Invisible

As I dream at night
I see the source of my fright
The birth of all my fears
Deeply rooted in your snears
Why don't you see
What you've done to me
Will you ever believe
In all I can achieve?
When will my silent tears
Be replaced by echoes of cheers
Pain hidden deep in my core
I cant bury it anymore
Do you see
How you've rejected me
What's it take
For your faith to not be fake
All I want so desperately
For you to truely accept and encourage me

written April 6, 2010

To be free

I knew it was a stage
When I wasn't full of rage
I'm pursuing a dream
Yet I only want to scream
I wan to be free
From your standard of mediocrity
I'm tired of your endless abuse
So i ask, What's your excuse
I just want you to be fair
Yet you always compair
You fight for me to be ordinary
Yet I know I can be exemplary
I'm clearly not your chosen one
I'm close to being totally done
I've seen life without you
And it was quite a view
Oh how I long to say
That I'm just walking away
What will it take
A leap of faith to make
For me to break free
From your life of misery

written April 19, 2010

what to say

How many times do we say YES to a job, a new relationship, etc. that we instinctively just know is absolutely and totally WRONG for us, instead of saying NO! Only to later realize just how right we were in the beginning and just didn't listen to ourselves. It's a difficult lesson to learn, often times with emotionally, physically, or financially painful, usually painful in all of those ways. It's amazing how incredibly empowering it is to KNOW what the right choices are for ourselves, your humble author especially, and actually have the fortitude to ACTUALLY DO IT!! Especially in the face of potential and probable criticism, doubts and outright hostility. It's so incredibly worth facing all of that though, because those reactions will NOT be the only ones, there will be those voices of encouragement, and support. Both reactions will probably happen, but it's better to face them, than remain silent, and be pushed towards a life of unfulfilled dreams, and chances not taken. Life is a beautiful experience, live it fully, on your own terms.

days like today

It doesn't happen often anymore. But on days like today, for short time frames, no more than a few hours, the weight of the past feels almost as if it'll crush me. I think about how my life was, and compare it to what my present life consists of. I've heard that there is a reason for everything, and it's up to us to find it. I still find myself asking the questions that start with the two small, but huge words, "what if....?" Having the confidence that I do now, and seeing myself as more than capable, but also self-empowered enough to say "you don't think I can, you don't even want me to try, well then stay out of my way, because there's no way your limited thinking is going to stop me. Your opinion is irrelevant and will not become my reality." It's finally thinking, believing, and also feeling, strong enough to say that, it makes me wonder, how different would my life be now? I can't change what's already happened. Some of it I would change, some of it I wouldn't. All I can do now is create a new history by making different, better choices now, so in the future, rather than have a history of setback, heartache and dreams delayed, I have dreams achieved, and peace of mind...and can be completely free from a past that at times comes back as an increasingly crushing weight.

I want, almost more than anything for your encouragement. Yet, when you give it to me, because of everything else you've said and done, I don't believe you really mean what you say...I'd rather you not say anything at all.

take a chance

A wise man once said
Do not wait til your almost dead
Chase a dream, do it now
You've nothing to lose, anyhow
There may be some pain,
But in every life, there is a little rain
When it comes to making a choice
Always heed your inner voice
At an opportune moment, take that chance
It's not here out of happenstance
Rather than following simple math
Its better to blaze your own path
Go ahead, and at least try
You never know how high you'll fly!
No matter what, do not fret
It's not something you'll regret.
Some may say it's full of strife
But who wants an ordinary life?
Chase a dream, do it now
You've nothing to lose, anyhow

Ready for a change...

All defenses have been stripped away...lost, forgotten and deeply buried and repressed memories race to the surface. Bits and pieces mostly, but enough to churn stomachs. So much hurt, and shame felt with these pictures. A silent nightmare, long repressed, buried and hidden. Heartache that burns with a white hot intensity that seared holes into the very core of my soul. Holes that were filled in for protection, out of fear, inadequacy, rejection are there masked by behavior patterns that are self-sabotaging in nature, from feeling unworthy of having success.. Seeking to fill a role, to have an identity that is accepted. Now that role is not acceptable...reshaping of the self is met by resistance, and disbelief. Believing myself inferior and inadequate. Built on insecurities and reinforced by self-sabotaging behaviors that were adopted to play a role, and hopefully, gain acceptance. Wanting to do better, believing I can do better, bolstered by doing what has to be done to show that belief and deliver the results to demonstrate its truth, has to begin now. This is when it counts. It will not be easy, but it's got to better than feeling like and living like this!!

A big can of worms opened with a single question...

How do you deal with a memory that is so traumatic it'll alter your very existence? One that can explain any and all anxieties, fears and insecurities? What's even more difficult is determining whether or not that memory is even real or false? Certain details of it, as well as other events similar are forever burned into memory to the point that there's no avoiding them. What do you do?

There's a freedom in accepting total responsibility for one's life...letting go of past hurts, forgiving those that said or did something that was wrong doesn't make it okay, but releases the negativity. The freedom allows us to move on with our lives free of bad karma.

Totally and completely powerless is how I felt...almost as if I was instantly transported back in time and changed from the person I am now, to that scared little kid. As soon as those emotions ebbed, they were immediately replaced by a rage. So hot it felt like it was going to burn a hole in the center of my chest. Rage towards her, and also to myself...how could I surrender all my strength in a split second to some one who's lack of faith in self and any one or anything is nearly total...a life's philosophy and bankrupt personal philosophy. A belief system tied not to a belief in a religious perspective, even a spiritual one for that matter, but largely, if not completely tied to income and the amount shown on a bank account statement. My self esteem, and self image are some what in limbo as I go through a belief review so to speak. It was thrown in my face that I'm in school, the very idea of taking on more debt unthinkable, God forbid pursue goals, dreams at a time when the opportunity presented itself as if on a silver platter sent from above. No surprise, in the past the encouragement offered was based on how impressive the goals pursued were in the eyes of others, and for no other reason. That hasn't changed, no matter how much I want it to, sadly, it never will. I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about that. It was said to not go back to school in the spring, F*

As confusion unfolds, it says that forward progress is finally being made...

Confusion ensues whenever long held beliefs are surrendered, even temporarily. However strong the temptation may be to return to the comforts and confines of long held beliefs, it is best to turn away from the promises of comfort for the promise of the unknown. Long held beliefs, while good, may proove to be false programming imparted by those who mean well, but are misguided and not even aware of this fact. Taken further, those who seek to impart their beliefs are doing so in attempt to avoid the fact of having to question their own beliefs validity due to the fact that it is not accepted unquestioningly any longer. The only option is to run towards the confusion and uncertainty with the hope in mind that the exploration of every belief learned from seminars, self-improvement leaders, whether it be from video, audio cd or books. The purpose is to develop my own beliefs, that work for me, and not a mish mash collection adapted to serve as a security blanket, behind which I made futile attempts at self improvement. Now though, the blanket is being let go of, and left behind...and the real growth can begin. The beliefs adopted from this moment on, will be those that have passed the test of introspection, and will be clear in the power of their truth. The clarity and certainty behind this personal philosophy will bring with it an paralelled personal confidence.

chaos reigns supreme, and in all honesty, i'm starting to like it

I used to want my ideal self to be superman-like and larger than life. This desire I believe stemmed from wanting to have an example of what being strong and confident looks like and not having one. I didn't have that, and wanted to be that kind of example for others like me that don't, or didn't have one as well. Now though, while I'm getting stronger in all that I know and learn, the real gains are coming in getting more comfortable and confident in not having a need to know everything. In fact, my therapist told me today during our session that I seem the most everyday like person compared to recent weeks. I hadn't thought of putting where I am in those terms, but it rings very true. I know what I know, and as I pay attention to decisions I once would make unknowingly out of fears of rejection, I have that moment of pause where I notice my choices and their motivating factors. It's been a rough three months since losing a job that I moved to be closer to, but when I lost that job, it opened the door for me to say yes to going back to school to study neurology, biochemistry, hopefully genetics, and maybe microbiology and other ology named subjects as I sort out myself, my life, and what ways I can best put all my experiences, both good and bad to good use for those going through anything similar, or just needing reassurance that they're okay, even if that's all they need. My strength in accepting the what is, is what will, according my counselor, and the way that thought resonated through my body physiologically, is what will help me be my ideal self...and that to me is absolutely awesome. I am so very grateful for that opportunity.

How come it seems as though the people that cross our life's path for the shortest amounts of time are the ones that more often than not leave the longest lasting and most defined imprints in the people we become?

At what point in time does it make sense to let go and stop holding on? How do you go about rejecting rejection and accept what is and move on? I've been through it all before, but this time, why does it hurt so much more? And so much more deeply? What do you do if you truely believe you found your other half, the person exactly matched for you, and then they just disappear from your life? You know people will say...let her go, she doesn't deserve you, etc. But it doesn't change, or take away that feeling of being incomplete, and somewhat empty inside. Burying yourself in school work, or other activities might help, but only so much, and for only so long. Then what? Finding some one new, is an option, but that's not even very appealing.

As the expression goes, if you love someone, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be. So, I'm doing my best to do just that. I've had my heart broken by failed relationships, setbacks and disappointments, but the level that it's going to now surpasses all of the previous times. By far. I type these words through blurred vision of an overflow of tears that hopefully will be cathartic, and hope to awake in the morning to find a new sense of purpose, to be the man I can be, must be, to find a love like that again. Who knows, maybe it'll be her, maybe some one else. One thing I do know for certain, is each heartache opens me up to greater love, heightened understanding, and deeper compassion. Not only of myself, but of and for others. It may have benefits longterm, but that still doesn't make the short term any easier.


It does beg the question, if someone isn't willing to stick around and be there for the struggles, as I try to put my life together, designing it, as it can be, not as others lead me to believe it should be, do they have the right to be able to share in the victories over those struggles? That answer will be revealed in God's timing.

A letter to my fuutre wife...

To my love,


In my life, I've been through ups and downs, and each and every one of them has brought with it a new level of self-awareness, and a greater understanding of what love is, and what it means, and find the love I have in me to share with you. To forsake all others for you, and you alone. The man I have in me, to be with you, as your equal, has begun to emerge, and I know when I am the right man, you will appear. Whether I've met you already, and I have more to shed before you return to me, or I haven't met you yet, and when I am ready, and least expect it, you will then enter my life...one thing I know without question, is that everything I am, and all I have in me, I will love you with, and will all be yours, from now until beyond eternity.

It is for me, and also for you that I continue to strive in being a better man...

All my love, for always...

M

Well, I'm two weeks into the first semester back in school, on the path that I'm supposed to be on, to study neuroscience, biochemistry, nutrition, and other subjects that will get me ready for school to be a doctor. In those first two weeks, I found myself visited by a familiar presence...the feeling of inadequacy that leads to a performance that is less than stellar, and unindicative of what my true potenial is that I know is in me. I'm going to change all of that this time though, today, I went to the student counseling center for my first visit which is the new client intake session to determine which therapist would be best for me to work with. I met with my new counselor, and my first appointment is set for next friday at noon. As I left the school today, I felt a sense of empowerment, that change was not only inevitable, but I am the conductor of such change. I am in a position to become the conductor of my life. I am writing the opus of my life. I can't undo past failures, and hopefully I'll be able to recapture the feelings of confidence from my past successes. It is in those feelings that the subconscious programming of being an underachiever will fully be eradicated and exorcised for once and for all.

I am doing this for two seperate but not exclusive reasons. One, I'm doing this for myself, and the future vision that has been given to me, in which I'm here to be a healer, an educator to those who wish to have the life that they dream of having, but are not sure what to do in order to have that life. I wish to learn, and master the healing arts, so when people come to me looking for the answers for their questions, solutions of their puzzles (not problems, by changing problems to puzzles, solutions are more readily found). I do it to bring clarity and certainty, into the lives of any and all I encounter. I've known people of such a presence, just by being around them, I couldn't help but feel more inspired, optimistic, energized, ALIVE. It is that presense I wish to bring to others, as others have for me, to pass it on and pay it forward.

The second is in a seperate post, the reason for that is it will be in the form of a letter to my future wife, whomever she is, where ever she is.

back at the beginning, with a few twists...

I'm at a new beginning...being a doctor, healer, and teacher is my passion. It is my destiny, and now the plotting, planning, dreaming and visualizing is beginning to manifest the results. I was accepted to my undergrad school as part of a pilot program to earn a certification in biomedical sciences. I'm poised to begin a program that will help me to apply to various schools for an education as a health care provider. For the first time in a long time, when I got my letter saying I was accepted, the silent tears I've cried turned from despair to outer tears of joy and gratitude. I'd had a vision and a plan, a hope and a dream for how the course of my life's events were going to go, but now, I have a piece of paper, a tangible document that says, "yes, you're on the right track, and now just keep going." That is just what I'm going to do...the hurt, the gut wrenching heartache of recent memory, a time when it seemed as if I really didn't have any purpose in being here are a thing of the past...and feel like several lifetimes have passed. I'm bound and determined to make this dream of mine a reality, success isn't just an option, but I'm already achieving it, and want more. I know I will have it, then again, I think I already do.

gaining ground, ever so slowly...

I've been trying to be mindful of thoughts, and moods for the last few days, watching doggedly to keep my mind on where it needs to be, looking ahead and not dwelling on present fears, or insecurities being thrown about by the ego trying to maintain hold of my conciousness. I've had some relapses, but also catching them after a brief period of time, and not letting thoughts and negative programming derail my plans and allow me to wallow for hours or even a day or more on non-truths. It's going to take time, but my psyche is strengthening, it isn't subjective observations and opinions of the self, but rather, concrete, objective responses and reactions by others that I see fairly regularly. It's been said by more than one person that they notice slight changes in my behavior, and attitude. A seemingly more self-aware, and more importantly, self-assured ease that comes with a quiet confidence. Not an insecure, narcassiticly based conceit. An unspoken strength that provides freedom to give opinions and speak thoughts that ordinarilly wouldn't be acknowledged. It isn't an all the time attitude, not yet anyways. It'll take some time to, but there is a medium, a point where sarcasm can and will be used, and also allowing the bs to be confronted when needed. Yes, I'm still striving towards that ideal self that hasn't yet fully been developed in my subconscious mind's eye, though every moment the image gains clarity, a combination of a youthful vigorous passion for life with the innocence of youth, built on a foundation of strength, belief, faith, and certainty.

Being powerful is much greater than being forceful, one is truth and unshakable, the other is shallow and empty.

A new vision, and mission...

In the past few months I've had some personal revalations that were extraordinarilly good and bad at the same time...and while they've been gut wrenchingly painful, I also knew that deep down there was a reason for all of it, I just didn't know when, and at times, if I'd ever have the fullest of comprehension of the reason or reasons for all of them.

This couldn't be be more true especially in the past week to week and a half. It started one night after signing off my last online conversation after it ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously...I logged onto my source for truth, encouragement, and support, that being YouTube...and in a rather unsettled state of mind, typed in the search key words of "life sucks" The video to the song by a group named "The Fools" was among the first several that shot up on the screen. I selected one seemingly at random, however, in the moments that followed, there was no doubt that my video selection would reveal something that was far too cooincidental to have been anything but random. I found a channel that was all about understanding bipolar disorder, and how to handle it, and what it means, based on the opinion of its creator. My eyes jumped to it even before the video for life sucks that reached its conclusion, and the song's only about 4 minutes in length. I clicked on the first video in what appeared to be a series of documentaries. Everything I was feeling, experiencing up til that very moment, the innumerable series of questions that raced through my recently seemingly ever-churning mind were answered in full. In the hours and days that followed til I'd viewed every segment on said channel opened my eyes and ears to their fullest extent of understanding of the underpinings and longings of what I was trying to find out about what in the hell it was exactly that I was going through. I somewhat briefly touched on some of it in my previous entry...no real reason to backtrack to it all now. Suffice it to say, I've had some serious neuroses and conditions that could be described as psychosis of late. The reason being my soul was slashing away at the seemingly insurmountable grips my "ego" had on my consciousness. I've been trying to figure out exactly why these events were happening to me, and what I can do to make them a positive, not just in outcome for my own personal life, happiness and understanding...but there had to be a bit more, I just wasn't sure as to what exactly that was.

Until today that is...when listening to a very well known speaker, my vision has been made even more specific than its previously continuously evolving state of an almost totally nebulous form. I knew I wanted to do something that would make a lasting impact and a difference, even if for just one person, or one person at a time. Now I feel as though I know. The topic wasn't as important as the message I got from it...usually such speakers are purely for sales or motivational pitches that are more or less nothing but total crap that are as transparent as they are shallow. This one though, had teeth to it...whatever my present state, and previously experienced states similar to it have been, induced by a severe case of self-repression creating a condition of major depressive disorder, or if I am in fact, an individual given the gift of healing myself literally from the inside out of bipolar personality disorder. I think the two occassionally coexist, however frequently, I am not sure. There it was though...I've been given these thoughts, feelings and emotions to reveal my destiny of making what is deemed, "incurable" by those in the know curable to as many as there are that deal day to day with said conditions. I once heard some one say "incurable" to mean "curable from within," and how true I believe it to be. All the physical health problems I'd had were there simply masking more underlying emotionaly, and spiritual health problems. The diagnoses of major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are fairly well understood from a physological and biochemical standpoint. They aren't necessarily curable without pharmacuitically altering the brain chemistry of those patients afflicted by these conditions. It is my mission to find a way to allow for the innate desires and programming of each human body to be self-correcting and self-healing cures of even this. And by cure, I don't mean the minding numbing, reality altering substances oh so often prescribed to individuals that are diagnosed on a daily basis. I mean concrete, reproducible ways to help those afflicted with such conditions to understand what is going on in their bodies as well as their minds, and take the necessary steps to leave the whole sorrow and pain filled existance we as a species are not meant to live through. I about broke down in tears of gratitude for the revalation that I knew in my heart of hearts and at the core of me was about to happen at any moment without announcement. And today, it finally did.

A new awakening...

I've been seemingly skimming along at rock bottom for a while now...clinging onto every bit of "sanity" I could for a while now. And at finally what may very be final resolution to every struggle of my psyche, and deep ache that seems to stretch down into the depths of very core of my soul, that's it. There it is. The answer was sooo simple and staring me right in the face, I didn't see it. Even if I had seen it, I just didn't get it...or couldn't get it because I wasn't ready for it. I think at least til now. The manic states, they didn't make sense...I could't understand what was happening to me emotionally or mentally. Even now, I'm not sure I fully comprehend the signifigance of everything in these last few months, or even years. I've had episodes of manic psychosis, I think is the term psychiatrists and psychologists both would use alike to describe my mental state. It very much so, and luckily, I didn't say anything about taking mind altering drugs as would have been prescribed by those "experts" who seek to help but do so in a completely misguided form and fashion. Those meds, dull the mind, sedate the spirit that is itself trying to break through and release itself from the bounds of its suppression that is fully being perpetuated by the ego. Yes, there it is, for any and all of you who may or may not stumble upon my rants and raves, especially this one. Pay close attention especially if this purtains to you,(yes you, the one reading this, saying, I'm not crazy). That's exactly right. You aren't crazy at all. It's quite simple really...what you're going through is a very healthy process, the process of healing. A healing and a rebirth spiritually that the mind simply is unable to come to grips with, and those well meaning but misguided "mental health professionals" that want to give dose after dose of chemicals that will subdue this process aren't helping the process, but rather, hindering it to an exponential degree!!! Doing so isn't intential, it's simply because they don't fully comprehend the events going on in one's soul....read correctly, they haven't got the foggiest idea of what the hell is going on. The soul longs to be free of the ego, and manic states are when that happens. Past emotional hurts are healed and released, the part of the soul that went undeveloped is allowed to be integrated into the psyche. That's what I've been experiencing at a level that I didn't realize was possible. It's been quite surreal I tell you...and I haven't even begun to go into hypnotherapy for past life analysis, something I've only recently begun to learn about. I believe it to be a very real experience, as are near death experiences. People that have those are simply sent back to their present form due to the fact that they aren't finished with the lessons that they've come here to learn. So, while seemingly at a point where I'm not sure any lower could be gone to, it may exist, however, I know I'm at a point where my truest of destinies, the highest calling of my life is about to begin. I'm not an old soul, but rather, feeling like I'm more connected to the origins of my soul now than ever before...and ready to begin the journey of not only further connecting to those origins, but also preparing myself for the task of those who seek that connection, also are having episodes where the soul breaks through the ego's grip on "reality" and all the trappings that modern society seemingly dictate we all must do and have to be considered "normal."