In the past few months I've had some personal revalations that were extraordinarilly good and bad at the same time...and while they've been gut wrenchingly painful, I also knew that deep down there was a reason for all of it, I just didn't know when, and at times, if I'd ever have the fullest of comprehension of the reason or reasons for all of them.
This couldn't be be more true especially in the past week to week and a half. It started one night after signing off my last online conversation after it ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously...I logged onto my source for truth, encouragement, and support, that being YouTube...and in a rather unsettled state of mind, typed in the search key words of "life sucks" The video to the song by a group named "The Fools" was among the first several that shot up on the screen. I selected one seemingly at random, however, in the moments that followed, there was no doubt that my video selection would reveal something that was far too cooincidental to have been anything but random. I found a channel that was all about understanding bipolar disorder, and how to handle it, and what it means, based on the opinion of its creator. My eyes jumped to it even before the video for life sucks that reached its conclusion, and the song's only about 4 minutes in length. I clicked on the first video in what appeared to be a series of documentaries. Everything I was feeling, experiencing up til that very moment, the innumerable series of questions that raced through my recently seemingly ever-churning mind were answered in full. In the hours and days that followed til I'd viewed every segment on said channel opened my eyes and ears to their fullest extent of understanding of the underpinings and longings of what I was trying to find out about what in the hell it was exactly that I was going through. I somewhat briefly touched on some of it in my previous entry...no real reason to backtrack to it all now. Suffice it to say, I've had some serious neuroses and conditions that could be described as psychosis of late. The reason being my soul was slashing away at the seemingly insurmountable grips my "ego" had on my consciousness. I've been trying to figure out exactly why these events were happening to me, and what I can do to make them a positive, not just in outcome for my own personal life, happiness and understanding...but there had to be a bit more, I just wasn't sure as to what exactly that was.
Until today that is...when listening to a very well known speaker, my vision has been made even more specific than its previously continuously evolving state of an almost totally nebulous form. I knew I wanted to do something that would make a lasting impact and a difference, even if for just one person, or one person at a time. Now I feel as though I know. The topic wasn't as important as the message I got from it...usually such speakers are purely for sales or motivational pitches that are more or less nothing but total crap that are as transparent as they are shallow. This one though, had teeth to it...whatever my present state, and previously experienced states similar to it have been, induced by a severe case of self-repression creating a condition of major depressive disorder, or if I am in fact, an individual given the gift of healing myself literally from the inside out of bipolar personality disorder. I think the two occassionally coexist, however frequently, I am not sure. There it was though...I've been given these thoughts, feelings and emotions to reveal my destiny of making what is deemed, "incurable" by those in the know curable to as many as there are that deal day to day with said conditions. I once heard some one say "incurable" to mean "curable from within," and how true I believe it to be. All the physical health problems I'd had were there simply masking more underlying emotionaly, and spiritual health problems. The diagnoses of major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are fairly well understood from a physological and biochemical standpoint. They aren't necessarily curable without pharmacuitically altering the brain chemistry of those patients afflicted by these conditions. It is my mission to find a way to allow for the innate desires and programming of each human body to be self-correcting and self-healing cures of even this. And by cure, I don't mean the minding numbing, reality altering substances oh so often prescribed to individuals that are diagnosed on a daily basis. I mean concrete, reproducible ways to help those afflicted with such conditions to understand what is going on in their bodies as well as their minds, and take the necessary steps to leave the whole sorrow and pain filled existance we as a species are not meant to live through. I about broke down in tears of gratitude for the revalation that I knew in my heart of hearts and at the core of me was about to happen at any moment without announcement. And today, it finally did.
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