Ready for a change...

All defenses have been stripped away...lost, forgotten and deeply buried and repressed memories race to the surface. Bits and pieces mostly, but enough to churn stomachs. So much hurt, and shame felt with these pictures. A silent nightmare, long repressed, buried and hidden. Heartache that burns with a white hot intensity that seared holes into the very core of my soul. Holes that were filled in for protection, out of fear, inadequacy, rejection are there masked by behavior patterns that are self-sabotaging in nature, from feeling unworthy of having success.. Seeking to fill a role, to have an identity that is accepted. Now that role is not acceptable...reshaping of the self is met by resistance, and disbelief. Believing myself inferior and inadequate. Built on insecurities and reinforced by self-sabotaging behaviors that were adopted to play a role, and hopefully, gain acceptance. Wanting to do better, believing I can do better, bolstered by doing what has to be done to show that belief and deliver the results to demonstrate its truth, has to begin now. This is when it counts. It will not be easy, but it's got to better than feeling like and living like this!!

A big can of worms opened with a single question...

How do you deal with a memory that is so traumatic it'll alter your very existence? One that can explain any and all anxieties, fears and insecurities? What's even more difficult is determining whether or not that memory is even real or false? Certain details of it, as well as other events similar are forever burned into memory to the point that there's no avoiding them. What do you do?

There's a freedom in accepting total responsibility for one's life...letting go of past hurts, forgiving those that said or did something that was wrong doesn't make it okay, but releases the negativity. The freedom allows us to move on with our lives free of bad karma.

Totally and completely powerless is how I felt...almost as if I was instantly transported back in time and changed from the person I am now, to that scared little kid. As soon as those emotions ebbed, they were immediately replaced by a rage. So hot it felt like it was going to burn a hole in the center of my chest. Rage towards her, and also to myself...how could I surrender all my strength in a split second to some one who's lack of faith in self and any one or anything is nearly total...a life's philosophy and bankrupt personal philosophy. A belief system tied not to a belief in a religious perspective, even a spiritual one for that matter, but largely, if not completely tied to income and the amount shown on a bank account statement. My self esteem, and self image are some what in limbo as I go through a belief review so to speak. It was thrown in my face that I'm in school, the very idea of taking on more debt unthinkable, God forbid pursue goals, dreams at a time when the opportunity presented itself as if on a silver platter sent from above. No surprise, in the past the encouragement offered was based on how impressive the goals pursued were in the eyes of others, and for no other reason. That hasn't changed, no matter how much I want it to, sadly, it never will. I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about that. It was said to not go back to school in the spring, F*

As confusion unfolds, it says that forward progress is finally being made...

Confusion ensues whenever long held beliefs are surrendered, even temporarily. However strong the temptation may be to return to the comforts and confines of long held beliefs, it is best to turn away from the promises of comfort for the promise of the unknown. Long held beliefs, while good, may proove to be false programming imparted by those who mean well, but are misguided and not even aware of this fact. Taken further, those who seek to impart their beliefs are doing so in attempt to avoid the fact of having to question their own beliefs validity due to the fact that it is not accepted unquestioningly any longer. The only option is to run towards the confusion and uncertainty with the hope in mind that the exploration of every belief learned from seminars, self-improvement leaders, whether it be from video, audio cd or books. The purpose is to develop my own beliefs, that work for me, and not a mish mash collection adapted to serve as a security blanket, behind which I made futile attempts at self improvement. Now though, the blanket is being let go of, and left behind...and the real growth can begin. The beliefs adopted from this moment on, will be those that have passed the test of introspection, and will be clear in the power of their truth. The clarity and certainty behind this personal philosophy will bring with it an paralelled personal confidence.

chaos reigns supreme, and in all honesty, i'm starting to like it

I used to want my ideal self to be superman-like and larger than life. This desire I believe stemmed from wanting to have an example of what being strong and confident looks like and not having one. I didn't have that, and wanted to be that kind of example for others like me that don't, or didn't have one as well. Now though, while I'm getting stronger in all that I know and learn, the real gains are coming in getting more comfortable and confident in not having a need to know everything. In fact, my therapist told me today during our session that I seem the most everyday like person compared to recent weeks. I hadn't thought of putting where I am in those terms, but it rings very true. I know what I know, and as I pay attention to decisions I once would make unknowingly out of fears of rejection, I have that moment of pause where I notice my choices and their motivating factors. It's been a rough three months since losing a job that I moved to be closer to, but when I lost that job, it opened the door for me to say yes to going back to school to study neurology, biochemistry, hopefully genetics, and maybe microbiology and other ology named subjects as I sort out myself, my life, and what ways I can best put all my experiences, both good and bad to good use for those going through anything similar, or just needing reassurance that they're okay, even if that's all they need. My strength in accepting the what is, is what will, according my counselor, and the way that thought resonated through my body physiologically, is what will help me be my ideal self...and that to me is absolutely awesome. I am so very grateful for that opportunity.

How come it seems as though the people that cross our life's path for the shortest amounts of time are the ones that more often than not leave the longest lasting and most defined imprints in the people we become?

At what point in time does it make sense to let go and stop holding on? How do you go about rejecting rejection and accept what is and move on? I've been through it all before, but this time, why does it hurt so much more? And so much more deeply? What do you do if you truely believe you found your other half, the person exactly matched for you, and then they just disappear from your life? You know people will say...let her go, she doesn't deserve you, etc. But it doesn't change, or take away that feeling of being incomplete, and somewhat empty inside. Burying yourself in school work, or other activities might help, but only so much, and for only so long. Then what? Finding some one new, is an option, but that's not even very appealing.

As the expression goes, if you love someone, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be. So, I'm doing my best to do just that. I've had my heart broken by failed relationships, setbacks and disappointments, but the level that it's going to now surpasses all of the previous times. By far. I type these words through blurred vision of an overflow of tears that hopefully will be cathartic, and hope to awake in the morning to find a new sense of purpose, to be the man I can be, must be, to find a love like that again. Who knows, maybe it'll be her, maybe some one else. One thing I do know for certain, is each heartache opens me up to greater love, heightened understanding, and deeper compassion. Not only of myself, but of and for others. It may have benefits longterm, but that still doesn't make the short term any easier.


It does beg the question, if someone isn't willing to stick around and be there for the struggles, as I try to put my life together, designing it, as it can be, not as others lead me to believe it should be, do they have the right to be able to share in the victories over those struggles? That answer will be revealed in God's timing.

A letter to my fuutre wife...

To my love,


In my life, I've been through ups and downs, and each and every one of them has brought with it a new level of self-awareness, and a greater understanding of what love is, and what it means, and find the love I have in me to share with you. To forsake all others for you, and you alone. The man I have in me, to be with you, as your equal, has begun to emerge, and I know when I am the right man, you will appear. Whether I've met you already, and I have more to shed before you return to me, or I haven't met you yet, and when I am ready, and least expect it, you will then enter my life...one thing I know without question, is that everything I am, and all I have in me, I will love you with, and will all be yours, from now until beyond eternity.

It is for me, and also for you that I continue to strive in being a better man...

All my love, for always...

M

Well, I'm two weeks into the first semester back in school, on the path that I'm supposed to be on, to study neuroscience, biochemistry, nutrition, and other subjects that will get me ready for school to be a doctor. In those first two weeks, I found myself visited by a familiar presence...the feeling of inadequacy that leads to a performance that is less than stellar, and unindicative of what my true potenial is that I know is in me. I'm going to change all of that this time though, today, I went to the student counseling center for my first visit which is the new client intake session to determine which therapist would be best for me to work with. I met with my new counselor, and my first appointment is set for next friday at noon. As I left the school today, I felt a sense of empowerment, that change was not only inevitable, but I am the conductor of such change. I am in a position to become the conductor of my life. I am writing the opus of my life. I can't undo past failures, and hopefully I'll be able to recapture the feelings of confidence from my past successes. It is in those feelings that the subconscious programming of being an underachiever will fully be eradicated and exorcised for once and for all.

I am doing this for two seperate but not exclusive reasons. One, I'm doing this for myself, and the future vision that has been given to me, in which I'm here to be a healer, an educator to those who wish to have the life that they dream of having, but are not sure what to do in order to have that life. I wish to learn, and master the healing arts, so when people come to me looking for the answers for their questions, solutions of their puzzles (not problems, by changing problems to puzzles, solutions are more readily found). I do it to bring clarity and certainty, into the lives of any and all I encounter. I've known people of such a presence, just by being around them, I couldn't help but feel more inspired, optimistic, energized, ALIVE. It is that presense I wish to bring to others, as others have for me, to pass it on and pay it forward.

The second is in a seperate post, the reason for that is it will be in the form of a letter to my future wife, whomever she is, where ever she is.

back at the beginning, with a few twists...

I'm at a new beginning...being a doctor, healer, and teacher is my passion. It is my destiny, and now the plotting, planning, dreaming and visualizing is beginning to manifest the results. I was accepted to my undergrad school as part of a pilot program to earn a certification in biomedical sciences. I'm poised to begin a program that will help me to apply to various schools for an education as a health care provider. For the first time in a long time, when I got my letter saying I was accepted, the silent tears I've cried turned from despair to outer tears of joy and gratitude. I'd had a vision and a plan, a hope and a dream for how the course of my life's events were going to go, but now, I have a piece of paper, a tangible document that says, "yes, you're on the right track, and now just keep going." That is just what I'm going to do...the hurt, the gut wrenching heartache of recent memory, a time when it seemed as if I really didn't have any purpose in being here are a thing of the past...and feel like several lifetimes have passed. I'm bound and determined to make this dream of mine a reality, success isn't just an option, but I'm already achieving it, and want more. I know I will have it, then again, I think I already do.

gaining ground, ever so slowly...

I've been trying to be mindful of thoughts, and moods for the last few days, watching doggedly to keep my mind on where it needs to be, looking ahead and not dwelling on present fears, or insecurities being thrown about by the ego trying to maintain hold of my conciousness. I've had some relapses, but also catching them after a brief period of time, and not letting thoughts and negative programming derail my plans and allow me to wallow for hours or even a day or more on non-truths. It's going to take time, but my psyche is strengthening, it isn't subjective observations and opinions of the self, but rather, concrete, objective responses and reactions by others that I see fairly regularly. It's been said by more than one person that they notice slight changes in my behavior, and attitude. A seemingly more self-aware, and more importantly, self-assured ease that comes with a quiet confidence. Not an insecure, narcassiticly based conceit. An unspoken strength that provides freedom to give opinions and speak thoughts that ordinarilly wouldn't be acknowledged. It isn't an all the time attitude, not yet anyways. It'll take some time to, but there is a medium, a point where sarcasm can and will be used, and also allowing the bs to be confronted when needed. Yes, I'm still striving towards that ideal self that hasn't yet fully been developed in my subconscious mind's eye, though every moment the image gains clarity, a combination of a youthful vigorous passion for life with the innocence of youth, built on a foundation of strength, belief, faith, and certainty.

Being powerful is much greater than being forceful, one is truth and unshakable, the other is shallow and empty.

A new vision, and mission...

In the past few months I've had some personal revalations that were extraordinarilly good and bad at the same time...and while they've been gut wrenchingly painful, I also knew that deep down there was a reason for all of it, I just didn't know when, and at times, if I'd ever have the fullest of comprehension of the reason or reasons for all of them.

This couldn't be be more true especially in the past week to week and a half. It started one night after signing off my last online conversation after it ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously...I logged onto my source for truth, encouragement, and support, that being YouTube...and in a rather unsettled state of mind, typed in the search key words of "life sucks" The video to the song by a group named "The Fools" was among the first several that shot up on the screen. I selected one seemingly at random, however, in the moments that followed, there was no doubt that my video selection would reveal something that was far too cooincidental to have been anything but random. I found a channel that was all about understanding bipolar disorder, and how to handle it, and what it means, based on the opinion of its creator. My eyes jumped to it even before the video for life sucks that reached its conclusion, and the song's only about 4 minutes in length. I clicked on the first video in what appeared to be a series of documentaries. Everything I was feeling, experiencing up til that very moment, the innumerable series of questions that raced through my recently seemingly ever-churning mind were answered in full. In the hours and days that followed til I'd viewed every segment on said channel opened my eyes and ears to their fullest extent of understanding of the underpinings and longings of what I was trying to find out about what in the hell it was exactly that I was going through. I somewhat briefly touched on some of it in my previous entry...no real reason to backtrack to it all now. Suffice it to say, I've had some serious neuroses and conditions that could be described as psychosis of late. The reason being my soul was slashing away at the seemingly insurmountable grips my "ego" had on my consciousness. I've been trying to figure out exactly why these events were happening to me, and what I can do to make them a positive, not just in outcome for my own personal life, happiness and understanding...but there had to be a bit more, I just wasn't sure as to what exactly that was.

Until today that is...when listening to a very well known speaker, my vision has been made even more specific than its previously continuously evolving state of an almost totally nebulous form. I knew I wanted to do something that would make a lasting impact and a difference, even if for just one person, or one person at a time. Now I feel as though I know. The topic wasn't as important as the message I got from it...usually such speakers are purely for sales or motivational pitches that are more or less nothing but total crap that are as transparent as they are shallow. This one though, had teeth to it...whatever my present state, and previously experienced states similar to it have been, induced by a severe case of self-repression creating a condition of major depressive disorder, or if I am in fact, an individual given the gift of healing myself literally from the inside out of bipolar personality disorder. I think the two occassionally coexist, however frequently, I am not sure. There it was though...I've been given these thoughts, feelings and emotions to reveal my destiny of making what is deemed, "incurable" by those in the know curable to as many as there are that deal day to day with said conditions. I once heard some one say "incurable" to mean "curable from within," and how true I believe it to be. All the physical health problems I'd had were there simply masking more underlying emotionaly, and spiritual health problems. The diagnoses of major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are fairly well understood from a physological and biochemical standpoint. They aren't necessarily curable without pharmacuitically altering the brain chemistry of those patients afflicted by these conditions. It is my mission to find a way to allow for the innate desires and programming of each human body to be self-correcting and self-healing cures of even this. And by cure, I don't mean the minding numbing, reality altering substances oh so often prescribed to individuals that are diagnosed on a daily basis. I mean concrete, reproducible ways to help those afflicted with such conditions to understand what is going on in their bodies as well as their minds, and take the necessary steps to leave the whole sorrow and pain filled existance we as a species are not meant to live through. I about broke down in tears of gratitude for the revalation that I knew in my heart of hearts and at the core of me was about to happen at any moment without announcement. And today, it finally did.

A new awakening...

I've been seemingly skimming along at rock bottom for a while now...clinging onto every bit of "sanity" I could for a while now. And at finally what may very be final resolution to every struggle of my psyche, and deep ache that seems to stretch down into the depths of very core of my soul, that's it. There it is. The answer was sooo simple and staring me right in the face, I didn't see it. Even if I had seen it, I just didn't get it...or couldn't get it because I wasn't ready for it. I think at least til now. The manic states, they didn't make sense...I could't understand what was happening to me emotionally or mentally. Even now, I'm not sure I fully comprehend the signifigance of everything in these last few months, or even years. I've had episodes of manic psychosis, I think is the term psychiatrists and psychologists both would use alike to describe my mental state. It very much so, and luckily, I didn't say anything about taking mind altering drugs as would have been prescribed by those "experts" who seek to help but do so in a completely misguided form and fashion. Those meds, dull the mind, sedate the spirit that is itself trying to break through and release itself from the bounds of its suppression that is fully being perpetuated by the ego. Yes, there it is, for any and all of you who may or may not stumble upon my rants and raves, especially this one. Pay close attention especially if this purtains to you,(yes you, the one reading this, saying, I'm not crazy). That's exactly right. You aren't crazy at all. It's quite simple really...what you're going through is a very healthy process, the process of healing. A healing and a rebirth spiritually that the mind simply is unable to come to grips with, and those well meaning but misguided "mental health professionals" that want to give dose after dose of chemicals that will subdue this process aren't helping the process, but rather, hindering it to an exponential degree!!! Doing so isn't intential, it's simply because they don't fully comprehend the events going on in one's soul....read correctly, they haven't got the foggiest idea of what the hell is going on. The soul longs to be free of the ego, and manic states are when that happens. Past emotional hurts are healed and released, the part of the soul that went undeveloped is allowed to be integrated into the psyche. That's what I've been experiencing at a level that I didn't realize was possible. It's been quite surreal I tell you...and I haven't even begun to go into hypnotherapy for past life analysis, something I've only recently begun to learn about. I believe it to be a very real experience, as are near death experiences. People that have those are simply sent back to their present form due to the fact that they aren't finished with the lessons that they've come here to learn. So, while seemingly at a point where I'm not sure any lower could be gone to, it may exist, however, I know I'm at a point where my truest of destinies, the highest calling of my life is about to begin. I'm not an old soul, but rather, feeling like I'm more connected to the origins of my soul now than ever before...and ready to begin the journey of not only further connecting to those origins, but also preparing myself for the task of those who seek that connection, also are having episodes where the soul breaks through the ego's grip on "reality" and all the trappings that modern society seemingly dictate we all must do and have to be considered "normal."

a deeper level of soul searching reveals issues never known and finally being released to heal...

It's been about a month since my last entry, and what a month it has been. Revelations of my soul that were so very deeply hidden they were unknown...yet now uncovered, explain a great deal of my inner insecurities and fears. I can't really recall all the specific details, however, one event of my early childhood involved my mom being so mad at me that when she left to do some errands, she didn't say bye to me...and it was then that my inner fear of being abandoned began. In the recent weeks, I've had other memories come to mind that right now are escaping me, I think this is a good thing...each time I have this sort of event happen, it seems to accelerate me forward in development as a person and also furtherly accelerate the integration of both who I am, and who I know I have the potential to be as I move further along this winding road called life.

who i was and finally being able to let go of it

The most intense introspection of my life, digging up the bs, and really getting into the fabric of my life to date held with it more startling discoveries that had more power than could possibly have been previously predicted. The open ended question of "who have i been?" held in it the power to dig deeper into my core, the fabric of my sole than perhaps any other...if truthfully answered. That alone is the biggest factor in ever hoping to attain any indication of what the answer to that question really is.

Finally, over a very brief and gut wrenching period of a couple of days the answers, and there are a few came barging up and into my consciousness.

The way I've lived my life, almost every part of it has been a lie. A false self-image that was largely instilled by others, all with my blessing and willingness to believe every bit of it as absolute truth. A self-image that is one of very little value and very short on potential. That little of a self-image led to very poor choices and actions that ultimately were leading down a dark path to self destruction. So many opportunities have presented themselves, once-in-a-life-time kind of opportunities that very few people seldom ever get. How would a person that doesn't believe in themselves, has poor self image, is living from a position of weakness, uncertainty, an unclear vision, and lack of purpose handle any of these golden opportunities? If you said not very well, you'd be grossly understating the results.

With that kind of subconscious belief system for day to day living and functioning? The conclussion is set to be glorious disaster after glorious disaster. Poor performance, self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors were the norm. Highly addictive tendency to compulsively spend on a variety of misc. items. The arguement could be made that the books will be read, repeatedly, the clothes will be worn and shoes will have many miles on their soles. So many times I knew what my heart was screaming from in my chest was the right to be doing, the proper choices to be made, but I didn't listen to it...solely because I didn't believe I was worthwhile and deserving enough to have the opportunitties. The missed opportunities lead to self-loathing, a justification for the poor self-image, a false sense of idenity leading to an almost non-existant level of self-confidence...thus setting the stage for year after year of unfullfilled potential, opportunities squandered, if the willingness to even persue the goal was there.

Living life from a position of fear, lack of vision and faith, a poor self-image creating self-destruction, dragging self-confidence down to a level of near non-existance...the cycle of it seemed to be never ending. All being perpetuated by a false image, one that had been bought into due to the external reinforcing agents and experiences. A life experience lived by others and then passed on, and the pain that that lack of encouragement caused, instead of being refuted by massive motivation and an attitude of "$*@& that, I'm living my life and there isn't any person on this earth that will stop me from fulfilling my destiny!!" The beliefs and opinions of others became my own reality.

The several days with this realization were gut wrenching, a living hell...the realization of lost chances.

Yet with those vivid images, the turbulant emotional upheaval, and physical symptoms it brought with it now starting to pass into a memory, the insecure ego having died in the fire in my soul, something new is emerging. The self-awareness that this self-realization brought with it is exponentially intensified to a previously unsurpassed level. The inner demons that rose to the surface, seemingly assaulting my very core all at once in an attempt to destroy whatever was left of me, succeeded. Yes, that's right, my false self was burned off in a inner crucible. The very revalation of who I was seemingly burned off the old self...the one that didn't have much sense of value, for self, purpose or desires.

The smoldering aftermath that is the present condition of my soul is starting to refocus its energy, not on what's been lost though. Rather what's been gained. That is the freedom to choose now, and that choice has really always been there. That choice begs the simple question of "who do I want to be?" Who I am now is a direct result of every choice I've ever made. I have the power to start making different, better choices...and that is exactly what I intend to do.

the journey of becoming who you are begins by realizing you were...

it's been 3 months since i've written anything in this friggin thing, this time i'll remember my password. so much has transpired that would have been better handled given the propper venting means, i.e. blogging. Also, feedback probably would have ensued, further assuring that events wouldn't have been so seemingly insurmountable. I digress, those moments of clarity, the life altering ramnifications of them eternally etched in my mind...worth every tick of time around the clock. It's rare that such an occurance should take place, where it seemed as though all time froze, and even the physical embodiment that is me seemed to fade out of existance; I was me, but not, and had a front row seat to review each and every moment of my brief stay here on this blue round object that's racing through the universe in a circle every 365.25 days. And now it all makes such complete and perfect sense, who i am, what i've done, the way i've lived, behaved, choices i've made...it's paradoxical. I've been me, but not really me, living my life from another's perspective, letting my reality be determined by others who don't see what I see, haven't seen what I've seen, and most definitely don't know and believe what I know and believe. Yes, fellow bloggers, that one moment, such a seemingly insignificant period, 60 short seconds, that sent shockwaves through my universe and will ripple for the remainder of my stay here.I figured out who I've been, and therefore had absolute clarity in what I've done and what I do. Not only that, that out of body experience, was simply a seperation process, the letting go of who I was...and the beginning of who I hope and can become.Before I get into where I want to go, I believe it's imperative that I outline who I've been...but I shall leave for next time.And I promise, it will be in the very near future..

What a difference a day makes...

Today was an amazing day, simply because I had a wake up call(metaphorically speaking of course) about my life's purpose. I sat in on a short lecture about living our own lives, and it was like the speaker was talking to me and only me. It did nothing but serve as a confirmation of the thoughts I've been having the last few weeks and the frequency of the thoughts over the last few days especially. It's amazing the difference having clarity of purpose makes in terms of being strong and certain about where the future is going versus having doubt, uncertainty and no vision or dream. I was born to be a healer, and every experience up til now, including the loss of that vision have only served to allow it to be regained more strongly each time. I'm so greatful for the gift that I've received, the awesomeness of it humbles me to the point where nothing I can say would do it justice.

Oh yeah....

I didn't make time to get on here last night, or the day before that to do any blogging. Mostly because I hadn't done what I said I was going to do. I'm not going to be going into all the psycho-bable bs of how much I'm going to grow, and change during this process, NO!! I won't delude myself before any specific results are revealed, can be observed or measured. The way I feel about myself is a very subjective thing as far as how much I'm evolving and improving, shedding all the crap, self-imposed inadequecies and limitations, and can be somewhat distorted. However, my place is a little cleaner, smells a bit better, and it's only day 5. What the next 95 days have in store are up to me, and the only way for me to get the results I know I can achieve is to f*cking do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, regardless of whether I want to or not, no excuses, no rationalizing not doing it. Period. Any one can have an average life, not many have an exceptional one, the one that is dreamt of, though it's doable. I'm going to live to my potential, and rise above the status quo, despite the expectations of society, real or imagined, conscious or unconscious, the opinions of others do not have to become our reality. Prioritizing, planning and then the discipline to follow through on that plan, and keep moving towards the outrageous goals, one step at a time, making stepping stones out of stumbling blocks is the path of and to greatness. It's easier to keep going if you never stop, and the key to being unstopable is not stopping. Yeah, living an extraordinary life is something that can be attained, but only by recognizing that, while simple it may be, is not easy. Nor is it do-able alone, as long as the right supportive people are kept close by, the nay sayers, ne'er do-wells, also rans, who bask in their past achievements are best left where they spend their days, in the past. This life is too short to have a lot to look back on having left undone. I have a purpose, a destiny, and I'm going to fullfill it.

Day 2 of my 100 day season co-creating

Well, after making the choice to do the 100 day season of cocreating my life, I've managed to do a couple loads of laundry. I also picked up a couple of bags of small items for garbage(gross I know, one of the many things I intend on creating is a clean apartment, so I can have visitors over at anytime) like empty egg cartons, kleenex boxes, etc before going to watch the super bowl...a fantastic game. I thought the Cardinals were robbed though, they deserved to win. Steelers got some really lucky breaks, and bizarre calls in their favor, but such is life.

With a couple of loads of laundry done, the dishwasher will be run, I believe I'll be starting the week on the right foot for a change. Yes, this cocreation and blog will be invaluable in helping me form the habbits that I've wanted to for a very long time, but never held myself accountable to doing. I'm off to fold the laundry that awaits me, finish off some dishes, take out the trash and be in bed at a reasonable hour.

This could be interesting....

I visit YouTube daily and never get tired, or bored with any of the videos posted on the site. I can spend hours on end easily on it if I'm not watchful of the time. One poster I look at regularly is always inspiring and encouraging, but not preachy or anything like that. I finally clicked on the name to see their main page, to get a feel for the person behind the videos. I was blown away by what I found, a person who makes videos to encourage and empower any and all those that visit and watch her videos to make their lives extraordinary. Her YouTube channel is http://www.youtube.com/liloumace. From there, she has a home page that helps people to channel the Law of Attraction to transform their own lives to what they dream it can, and really, should be, that site is http://www.cocreatingourreality.com/. I found that she offers a 100 day challenge to co-creating our own lives. I signed up for it, figuring, what the heck, I haven't got anything to lose. I'm always seeking out ways to improve myself, and connect with the right kind of people, what a better way to actually do it than this, I can do it and not only keep track of it, but also be in a position to receive feedback, and encouragement, not only for myself, but be a source for others who may be going through the samethings I am.

I'm excited about this and know that what the outcome is, where it will leads, is partly up tome to create and bring about. As a Christian I have certain beliefs about what is in the Bible, but I also believe that the Law of Attraction is a very real thing and true as well. While I'm not the most scholarly person when it comes to being able to quote scripture, chapter and verse(I do have some favorites), I have studied it enough to know that there are very similar messages in the philosophies taught with both the Bible and also in the Law of Attraction.

In the next 100 days, I should probably talk a little about what I what to achieve, accomplish, and manifest. I want to get a job where I can truely use my talents, and training as a massage therapist to better the lives of my clients and the people I work with and for. I want to build relationships with the right kinds of people. Those individuals are the ones who are positive, see the potential for greatness in themselves, and acknowledge it with grace and humility. By doing this, they also encourage me to reach for my potential, encourage me to have my own extraordinary life. but also allow me to do the same for them in return...so it can be a perpetual upward cycle as we continually seek to learn and grow in this life and not stay down too long for the occassional instances when we stumble. And also, while I'm doing this, I'd also like to earn a high enough income that I'm able to pay all of my bills monthly and have enough left over to set up a decent wealth building plan(i'd rather call it that, because, with law of attraction in mind, focusing on abundance in life).