who i was and finally being able to let go of it

The most intense introspection of my life, digging up the bs, and really getting into the fabric of my life to date held with it more startling discoveries that had more power than could possibly have been previously predicted. The open ended question of "who have i been?" held in it the power to dig deeper into my core, the fabric of my sole than perhaps any other...if truthfully answered. That alone is the biggest factor in ever hoping to attain any indication of what the answer to that question really is.

Finally, over a very brief and gut wrenching period of a couple of days the answers, and there are a few came barging up and into my consciousness.

The way I've lived my life, almost every part of it has been a lie. A false self-image that was largely instilled by others, all with my blessing and willingness to believe every bit of it as absolute truth. A self-image that is one of very little value and very short on potential. That little of a self-image led to very poor choices and actions that ultimately were leading down a dark path to self destruction. So many opportunities have presented themselves, once-in-a-life-time kind of opportunities that very few people seldom ever get. How would a person that doesn't believe in themselves, has poor self image, is living from a position of weakness, uncertainty, an unclear vision, and lack of purpose handle any of these golden opportunities? If you said not very well, you'd be grossly understating the results.

With that kind of subconscious belief system for day to day living and functioning? The conclussion is set to be glorious disaster after glorious disaster. Poor performance, self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors were the norm. Highly addictive tendency to compulsively spend on a variety of misc. items. The arguement could be made that the books will be read, repeatedly, the clothes will be worn and shoes will have many miles on their soles. So many times I knew what my heart was screaming from in my chest was the right to be doing, the proper choices to be made, but I didn't listen to it...solely because I didn't believe I was worthwhile and deserving enough to have the opportunitties. The missed opportunities lead to self-loathing, a justification for the poor self-image, a false sense of idenity leading to an almost non-existant level of self-confidence...thus setting the stage for year after year of unfullfilled potential, opportunities squandered, if the willingness to even persue the goal was there.

Living life from a position of fear, lack of vision and faith, a poor self-image creating self-destruction, dragging self-confidence down to a level of near non-existance...the cycle of it seemed to be never ending. All being perpetuated by a false image, one that had been bought into due to the external reinforcing agents and experiences. A life experience lived by others and then passed on, and the pain that that lack of encouragement caused, instead of being refuted by massive motivation and an attitude of "$*@& that, I'm living my life and there isn't any person on this earth that will stop me from fulfilling my destiny!!" The beliefs and opinions of others became my own reality.

The several days with this realization were gut wrenching, a living hell...the realization of lost chances.

Yet with those vivid images, the turbulant emotional upheaval, and physical symptoms it brought with it now starting to pass into a memory, the insecure ego having died in the fire in my soul, something new is emerging. The self-awareness that this self-realization brought with it is exponentially intensified to a previously unsurpassed level. The inner demons that rose to the surface, seemingly assaulting my very core all at once in an attempt to destroy whatever was left of me, succeeded. Yes, that's right, my false self was burned off in a inner crucible. The very revalation of who I was seemingly burned off the old self...the one that didn't have much sense of value, for self, purpose or desires.

The smoldering aftermath that is the present condition of my soul is starting to refocus its energy, not on what's been lost though. Rather what's been gained. That is the freedom to choose now, and that choice has really always been there. That choice begs the simple question of "who do I want to be?" Who I am now is a direct result of every choice I've ever made. I have the power to start making different, better choices...and that is exactly what I intend to do.