As confusion unfolds, it says that forward progress is finally being made...

Confusion ensues whenever long held beliefs are surrendered, even temporarily. However strong the temptation may be to return to the comforts and confines of long held beliefs, it is best to turn away from the promises of comfort for the promise of the unknown. Long held beliefs, while good, may proove to be false programming imparted by those who mean well, but are misguided and not even aware of this fact. Taken further, those who seek to impart their beliefs are doing so in attempt to avoid the fact of having to question their own beliefs validity due to the fact that it is not accepted unquestioningly any longer. The only option is to run towards the confusion and uncertainty with the hope in mind that the exploration of every belief learned from seminars, self-improvement leaders, whether it be from video, audio cd or books. The purpose is to develop my own beliefs, that work for me, and not a mish mash collection adapted to serve as a security blanket, behind which I made futile attempts at self improvement. Now though, the blanket is being let go of, and left behind...and the real growth can begin. The beliefs adopted from this moment on, will be those that have passed the test of introspection, and will be clear in the power of their truth. The clarity and certainty behind this personal philosophy will bring with it an paralelled personal confidence.

chaos reigns supreme, and in all honesty, i'm starting to like it

I used to want my ideal self to be superman-like and larger than life. This desire I believe stemmed from wanting to have an example of what being strong and confident looks like and not having one. I didn't have that, and wanted to be that kind of example for others like me that don't, or didn't have one as well. Now though, while I'm getting stronger in all that I know and learn, the real gains are coming in getting more comfortable and confident in not having a need to know everything. In fact, my therapist told me today during our session that I seem the most everyday like person compared to recent weeks. I hadn't thought of putting where I am in those terms, but it rings very true. I know what I know, and as I pay attention to decisions I once would make unknowingly out of fears of rejection, I have that moment of pause where I notice my choices and their motivating factors. It's been a rough three months since losing a job that I moved to be closer to, but when I lost that job, it opened the door for me to say yes to going back to school to study neurology, biochemistry, hopefully genetics, and maybe microbiology and other ology named subjects as I sort out myself, my life, and what ways I can best put all my experiences, both good and bad to good use for those going through anything similar, or just needing reassurance that they're okay, even if that's all they need. My strength in accepting the what is, is what will, according my counselor, and the way that thought resonated through my body physiologically, is what will help me be my ideal self...and that to me is absolutely awesome. I am so very grateful for that opportunity.