How come it seems as though the people that cross our life's path for the shortest amounts of time are the ones that more often than not leave the longest lasting and most defined imprints in the people we become?

At what point in time does it make sense to let go and stop holding on? How do you go about rejecting rejection and accept what is and move on? I've been through it all before, but this time, why does it hurt so much more? And so much more deeply? What do you do if you truely believe you found your other half, the person exactly matched for you, and then they just disappear from your life? You know people will say...let her go, she doesn't deserve you, etc. But it doesn't change, or take away that feeling of being incomplete, and somewhat empty inside. Burying yourself in school work, or other activities might help, but only so much, and for only so long. Then what? Finding some one new, is an option, but that's not even very appealing.

As the expression goes, if you love someone, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be. So, I'm doing my best to do just that. I've had my heart broken by failed relationships, setbacks and disappointments, but the level that it's going to now surpasses all of the previous times. By far. I type these words through blurred vision of an overflow of tears that hopefully will be cathartic, and hope to awake in the morning to find a new sense of purpose, to be the man I can be, must be, to find a love like that again. Who knows, maybe it'll be her, maybe some one else. One thing I do know for certain, is each heartache opens me up to greater love, heightened understanding, and deeper compassion. Not only of myself, but of and for others. It may have benefits longterm, but that still doesn't make the short term any easier.


It does beg the question, if someone isn't willing to stick around and be there for the struggles, as I try to put my life together, designing it, as it can be, not as others lead me to believe it should be, do they have the right to be able to share in the victories over those struggles? That answer will be revealed in God's timing.

A letter to my fuutre wife...

To my love,


In my life, I've been through ups and downs, and each and every one of them has brought with it a new level of self-awareness, and a greater understanding of what love is, and what it means, and find the love I have in me to share with you. To forsake all others for you, and you alone. The man I have in me, to be with you, as your equal, has begun to emerge, and I know when I am the right man, you will appear. Whether I've met you already, and I have more to shed before you return to me, or I haven't met you yet, and when I am ready, and least expect it, you will then enter my life...one thing I know without question, is that everything I am, and all I have in me, I will love you with, and will all be yours, from now until beyond eternity.

It is for me, and also for you that I continue to strive in being a better man...

All my love, for always...

M

Well, I'm two weeks into the first semester back in school, on the path that I'm supposed to be on, to study neuroscience, biochemistry, nutrition, and other subjects that will get me ready for school to be a doctor. In those first two weeks, I found myself visited by a familiar presence...the feeling of inadequacy that leads to a performance that is less than stellar, and unindicative of what my true potenial is that I know is in me. I'm going to change all of that this time though, today, I went to the student counseling center for my first visit which is the new client intake session to determine which therapist would be best for me to work with. I met with my new counselor, and my first appointment is set for next friday at noon. As I left the school today, I felt a sense of empowerment, that change was not only inevitable, but I am the conductor of such change. I am in a position to become the conductor of my life. I am writing the opus of my life. I can't undo past failures, and hopefully I'll be able to recapture the feelings of confidence from my past successes. It is in those feelings that the subconscious programming of being an underachiever will fully be eradicated and exorcised for once and for all.

I am doing this for two seperate but not exclusive reasons. One, I'm doing this for myself, and the future vision that has been given to me, in which I'm here to be a healer, an educator to those who wish to have the life that they dream of having, but are not sure what to do in order to have that life. I wish to learn, and master the healing arts, so when people come to me looking for the answers for their questions, solutions of their puzzles (not problems, by changing problems to puzzles, solutions are more readily found). I do it to bring clarity and certainty, into the lives of any and all I encounter. I've known people of such a presence, just by being around them, I couldn't help but feel more inspired, optimistic, energized, ALIVE. It is that presense I wish to bring to others, as others have for me, to pass it on and pay it forward.

The second is in a seperate post, the reason for that is it will be in the form of a letter to my future wife, whomever she is, where ever she is.

back at the beginning, with a few twists...

I'm at a new beginning...being a doctor, healer, and teacher is my passion. It is my destiny, and now the plotting, planning, dreaming and visualizing is beginning to manifest the results. I was accepted to my undergrad school as part of a pilot program to earn a certification in biomedical sciences. I'm poised to begin a program that will help me to apply to various schools for an education as a health care provider. For the first time in a long time, when I got my letter saying I was accepted, the silent tears I've cried turned from despair to outer tears of joy and gratitude. I'd had a vision and a plan, a hope and a dream for how the course of my life's events were going to go, but now, I have a piece of paper, a tangible document that says, "yes, you're on the right track, and now just keep going." That is just what I'm going to do...the hurt, the gut wrenching heartache of recent memory, a time when it seemed as if I really didn't have any purpose in being here are a thing of the past...and feel like several lifetimes have passed. I'm bound and determined to make this dream of mine a reality, success isn't just an option, but I'm already achieving it, and want more. I know I will have it, then again, I think I already do.

gaining ground, ever so slowly...

I've been trying to be mindful of thoughts, and moods for the last few days, watching doggedly to keep my mind on where it needs to be, looking ahead and not dwelling on present fears, or insecurities being thrown about by the ego trying to maintain hold of my conciousness. I've had some relapses, but also catching them after a brief period of time, and not letting thoughts and negative programming derail my plans and allow me to wallow for hours or even a day or more on non-truths. It's going to take time, but my psyche is strengthening, it isn't subjective observations and opinions of the self, but rather, concrete, objective responses and reactions by others that I see fairly regularly. It's been said by more than one person that they notice slight changes in my behavior, and attitude. A seemingly more self-aware, and more importantly, self-assured ease that comes with a quiet confidence. Not an insecure, narcassiticly based conceit. An unspoken strength that provides freedom to give opinions and speak thoughts that ordinarilly wouldn't be acknowledged. It isn't an all the time attitude, not yet anyways. It'll take some time to, but there is a medium, a point where sarcasm can and will be used, and also allowing the bs to be confronted when needed. Yes, I'm still striving towards that ideal self that hasn't yet fully been developed in my subconscious mind's eye, though every moment the image gains clarity, a combination of a youthful vigorous passion for life with the innocence of youth, built on a foundation of strength, belief, faith, and certainty.

Being powerful is much greater than being forceful, one is truth and unshakable, the other is shallow and empty.

A new vision, and mission...

In the past few months I've had some personal revalations that were extraordinarilly good and bad at the same time...and while they've been gut wrenchingly painful, I also knew that deep down there was a reason for all of it, I just didn't know when, and at times, if I'd ever have the fullest of comprehension of the reason or reasons for all of them.

This couldn't be be more true especially in the past week to week and a half. It started one night after signing off my last online conversation after it ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously...I logged onto my source for truth, encouragement, and support, that being YouTube...and in a rather unsettled state of mind, typed in the search key words of "life sucks" The video to the song by a group named "The Fools" was among the first several that shot up on the screen. I selected one seemingly at random, however, in the moments that followed, there was no doubt that my video selection would reveal something that was far too cooincidental to have been anything but random. I found a channel that was all about understanding bipolar disorder, and how to handle it, and what it means, based on the opinion of its creator. My eyes jumped to it even before the video for life sucks that reached its conclusion, and the song's only about 4 minutes in length. I clicked on the first video in what appeared to be a series of documentaries. Everything I was feeling, experiencing up til that very moment, the innumerable series of questions that raced through my recently seemingly ever-churning mind were answered in full. In the hours and days that followed til I'd viewed every segment on said channel opened my eyes and ears to their fullest extent of understanding of the underpinings and longings of what I was trying to find out about what in the hell it was exactly that I was going through. I somewhat briefly touched on some of it in my previous entry...no real reason to backtrack to it all now. Suffice it to say, I've had some serious neuroses and conditions that could be described as psychosis of late. The reason being my soul was slashing away at the seemingly insurmountable grips my "ego" had on my consciousness. I've been trying to figure out exactly why these events were happening to me, and what I can do to make them a positive, not just in outcome for my own personal life, happiness and understanding...but there had to be a bit more, I just wasn't sure as to what exactly that was.

Until today that is...when listening to a very well known speaker, my vision has been made even more specific than its previously continuously evolving state of an almost totally nebulous form. I knew I wanted to do something that would make a lasting impact and a difference, even if for just one person, or one person at a time. Now I feel as though I know. The topic wasn't as important as the message I got from it...usually such speakers are purely for sales or motivational pitches that are more or less nothing but total crap that are as transparent as they are shallow. This one though, had teeth to it...whatever my present state, and previously experienced states similar to it have been, induced by a severe case of self-repression creating a condition of major depressive disorder, or if I am in fact, an individual given the gift of healing myself literally from the inside out of bipolar personality disorder. I think the two occassionally coexist, however frequently, I am not sure. There it was though...I've been given these thoughts, feelings and emotions to reveal my destiny of making what is deemed, "incurable" by those in the know curable to as many as there are that deal day to day with said conditions. I once heard some one say "incurable" to mean "curable from within," and how true I believe it to be. All the physical health problems I'd had were there simply masking more underlying emotionaly, and spiritual health problems. The diagnoses of major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are fairly well understood from a physological and biochemical standpoint. They aren't necessarily curable without pharmacuitically altering the brain chemistry of those patients afflicted by these conditions. It is my mission to find a way to allow for the innate desires and programming of each human body to be self-correcting and self-healing cures of even this. And by cure, I don't mean the minding numbing, reality altering substances oh so often prescribed to individuals that are diagnosed on a daily basis. I mean concrete, reproducible ways to help those afflicted with such conditions to understand what is going on in their bodies as well as their minds, and take the necessary steps to leave the whole sorrow and pain filled existance we as a species are not meant to live through. I about broke down in tears of gratitude for the revalation that I knew in my heart of hearts and at the core of me was about to happen at any moment without announcement. And today, it finally did.