gaining ground, ever so slowly...

I've been trying to be mindful of thoughts, and moods for the last few days, watching doggedly to keep my mind on where it needs to be, looking ahead and not dwelling on present fears, or insecurities being thrown about by the ego trying to maintain hold of my conciousness. I've had some relapses, but also catching them after a brief period of time, and not letting thoughts and negative programming derail my plans and allow me to wallow for hours or even a day or more on non-truths. It's going to take time, but my psyche is strengthening, it isn't subjective observations and opinions of the self, but rather, concrete, objective responses and reactions by others that I see fairly regularly. It's been said by more than one person that they notice slight changes in my behavior, and attitude. A seemingly more self-aware, and more importantly, self-assured ease that comes with a quiet confidence. Not an insecure, narcassiticly based conceit. An unspoken strength that provides freedom to give opinions and speak thoughts that ordinarilly wouldn't be acknowledged. It isn't an all the time attitude, not yet anyways. It'll take some time to, but there is a medium, a point where sarcasm can and will be used, and also allowing the bs to be confronted when needed. Yes, I'm still striving towards that ideal self that hasn't yet fully been developed in my subconscious mind's eye, though every moment the image gains clarity, a combination of a youthful vigorous passion for life with the innocence of youth, built on a foundation of strength, belief, faith, and certainty.

Being powerful is much greater than being forceful, one is truth and unshakable, the other is shallow and empty.

A new vision, and mission...

In the past few months I've had some personal revalations that were extraordinarilly good and bad at the same time...and while they've been gut wrenchingly painful, I also knew that deep down there was a reason for all of it, I just didn't know when, and at times, if I'd ever have the fullest of comprehension of the reason or reasons for all of them.

This couldn't be be more true especially in the past week to week and a half. It started one night after signing off my last online conversation after it ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously...I logged onto my source for truth, encouragement, and support, that being YouTube...and in a rather unsettled state of mind, typed in the search key words of "life sucks" The video to the song by a group named "The Fools" was among the first several that shot up on the screen. I selected one seemingly at random, however, in the moments that followed, there was no doubt that my video selection would reveal something that was far too cooincidental to have been anything but random. I found a channel that was all about understanding bipolar disorder, and how to handle it, and what it means, based on the opinion of its creator. My eyes jumped to it even before the video for life sucks that reached its conclusion, and the song's only about 4 minutes in length. I clicked on the first video in what appeared to be a series of documentaries. Everything I was feeling, experiencing up til that very moment, the innumerable series of questions that raced through my recently seemingly ever-churning mind were answered in full. In the hours and days that followed til I'd viewed every segment on said channel opened my eyes and ears to their fullest extent of understanding of the underpinings and longings of what I was trying to find out about what in the hell it was exactly that I was going through. I somewhat briefly touched on some of it in my previous entry...no real reason to backtrack to it all now. Suffice it to say, I've had some serious neuroses and conditions that could be described as psychosis of late. The reason being my soul was slashing away at the seemingly insurmountable grips my "ego" had on my consciousness. I've been trying to figure out exactly why these events were happening to me, and what I can do to make them a positive, not just in outcome for my own personal life, happiness and understanding...but there had to be a bit more, I just wasn't sure as to what exactly that was.

Until today that is...when listening to a very well known speaker, my vision has been made even more specific than its previously continuously evolving state of an almost totally nebulous form. I knew I wanted to do something that would make a lasting impact and a difference, even if for just one person, or one person at a time. Now I feel as though I know. The topic wasn't as important as the message I got from it...usually such speakers are purely for sales or motivational pitches that are more or less nothing but total crap that are as transparent as they are shallow. This one though, had teeth to it...whatever my present state, and previously experienced states similar to it have been, induced by a severe case of self-repression creating a condition of major depressive disorder, or if I am in fact, an individual given the gift of healing myself literally from the inside out of bipolar personality disorder. I think the two occassionally coexist, however frequently, I am not sure. There it was though...I've been given these thoughts, feelings and emotions to reveal my destiny of making what is deemed, "incurable" by those in the know curable to as many as there are that deal day to day with said conditions. I once heard some one say "incurable" to mean "curable from within," and how true I believe it to be. All the physical health problems I'd had were there simply masking more underlying emotionaly, and spiritual health problems. The diagnoses of major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are fairly well understood from a physological and biochemical standpoint. They aren't necessarily curable without pharmacuitically altering the brain chemistry of those patients afflicted by these conditions. It is my mission to find a way to allow for the innate desires and programming of each human body to be self-correcting and self-healing cures of even this. And by cure, I don't mean the minding numbing, reality altering substances oh so often prescribed to individuals that are diagnosed on a daily basis. I mean concrete, reproducible ways to help those afflicted with such conditions to understand what is going on in their bodies as well as their minds, and take the necessary steps to leave the whole sorrow and pain filled existance we as a species are not meant to live through. I about broke down in tears of gratitude for the revalation that I knew in my heart of hearts and at the core of me was about to happen at any moment without announcement. And today, it finally did.

A new awakening...

I've been seemingly skimming along at rock bottom for a while now...clinging onto every bit of "sanity" I could for a while now. And at finally what may very be final resolution to every struggle of my psyche, and deep ache that seems to stretch down into the depths of very core of my soul, that's it. There it is. The answer was sooo simple and staring me right in the face, I didn't see it. Even if I had seen it, I just didn't get it...or couldn't get it because I wasn't ready for it. I think at least til now. The manic states, they didn't make sense...I could't understand what was happening to me emotionally or mentally. Even now, I'm not sure I fully comprehend the signifigance of everything in these last few months, or even years. I've had episodes of manic psychosis, I think is the term psychiatrists and psychologists both would use alike to describe my mental state. It very much so, and luckily, I didn't say anything about taking mind altering drugs as would have been prescribed by those "experts" who seek to help but do so in a completely misguided form and fashion. Those meds, dull the mind, sedate the spirit that is itself trying to break through and release itself from the bounds of its suppression that is fully being perpetuated by the ego. Yes, there it is, for any and all of you who may or may not stumble upon my rants and raves, especially this one. Pay close attention especially if this purtains to you,(yes you, the one reading this, saying, I'm not crazy). That's exactly right. You aren't crazy at all. It's quite simple really...what you're going through is a very healthy process, the process of healing. A healing and a rebirth spiritually that the mind simply is unable to come to grips with, and those well meaning but misguided "mental health professionals" that want to give dose after dose of chemicals that will subdue this process aren't helping the process, but rather, hindering it to an exponential degree!!! Doing so isn't intential, it's simply because they don't fully comprehend the events going on in one's soul....read correctly, they haven't got the foggiest idea of what the hell is going on. The soul longs to be free of the ego, and manic states are when that happens. Past emotional hurts are healed and released, the part of the soul that went undeveloped is allowed to be integrated into the psyche. That's what I've been experiencing at a level that I didn't realize was possible. It's been quite surreal I tell you...and I haven't even begun to go into hypnotherapy for past life analysis, something I've only recently begun to learn about. I believe it to be a very real experience, as are near death experiences. People that have those are simply sent back to their present form due to the fact that they aren't finished with the lessons that they've come here to learn. So, while seemingly at a point where I'm not sure any lower could be gone to, it may exist, however, I know I'm at a point where my truest of destinies, the highest calling of my life is about to begin. I'm not an old soul, but rather, feeling like I'm more connected to the origins of my soul now than ever before...and ready to begin the journey of not only further connecting to those origins, but also preparing myself for the task of those who seek that connection, also are having episodes where the soul breaks through the ego's grip on "reality" and all the trappings that modern society seemingly dictate we all must do and have to be considered "normal."

a deeper level of soul searching reveals issues never known and finally being released to heal...

It's been about a month since my last entry, and what a month it has been. Revelations of my soul that were so very deeply hidden they were unknown...yet now uncovered, explain a great deal of my inner insecurities and fears. I can't really recall all the specific details, however, one event of my early childhood involved my mom being so mad at me that when she left to do some errands, she didn't say bye to me...and it was then that my inner fear of being abandoned began. In the recent weeks, I've had other memories come to mind that right now are escaping me, I think this is a good thing...each time I have this sort of event happen, it seems to accelerate me forward in development as a person and also furtherly accelerate the integration of both who I am, and who I know I have the potential to be as I move further along this winding road called life.

who i was and finally being able to let go of it

The most intense introspection of my life, digging up the bs, and really getting into the fabric of my life to date held with it more startling discoveries that had more power than could possibly have been previously predicted. The open ended question of "who have i been?" held in it the power to dig deeper into my core, the fabric of my sole than perhaps any other...if truthfully answered. That alone is the biggest factor in ever hoping to attain any indication of what the answer to that question really is.

Finally, over a very brief and gut wrenching period of a couple of days the answers, and there are a few came barging up and into my consciousness.

The way I've lived my life, almost every part of it has been a lie. A false self-image that was largely instilled by others, all with my blessing and willingness to believe every bit of it as absolute truth. A self-image that is one of very little value and very short on potential. That little of a self-image led to very poor choices and actions that ultimately were leading down a dark path to self destruction. So many opportunities have presented themselves, once-in-a-life-time kind of opportunities that very few people seldom ever get. How would a person that doesn't believe in themselves, has poor self image, is living from a position of weakness, uncertainty, an unclear vision, and lack of purpose handle any of these golden opportunities? If you said not very well, you'd be grossly understating the results.

With that kind of subconscious belief system for day to day living and functioning? The conclussion is set to be glorious disaster after glorious disaster. Poor performance, self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors were the norm. Highly addictive tendency to compulsively spend on a variety of misc. items. The arguement could be made that the books will be read, repeatedly, the clothes will be worn and shoes will have many miles on their soles. So many times I knew what my heart was screaming from in my chest was the right to be doing, the proper choices to be made, but I didn't listen to it...solely because I didn't believe I was worthwhile and deserving enough to have the opportunitties. The missed opportunities lead to self-loathing, a justification for the poor self-image, a false sense of idenity leading to an almost non-existant level of self-confidence...thus setting the stage for year after year of unfullfilled potential, opportunities squandered, if the willingness to even persue the goal was there.

Living life from a position of fear, lack of vision and faith, a poor self-image creating self-destruction, dragging self-confidence down to a level of near non-existance...the cycle of it seemed to be never ending. All being perpetuated by a false image, one that had been bought into due to the external reinforcing agents and experiences. A life experience lived by others and then passed on, and the pain that that lack of encouragement caused, instead of being refuted by massive motivation and an attitude of "$*@& that, I'm living my life and there isn't any person on this earth that will stop me from fulfilling my destiny!!" The beliefs and opinions of others became my own reality.

The several days with this realization were gut wrenching, a living hell...the realization of lost chances.

Yet with those vivid images, the turbulant emotional upheaval, and physical symptoms it brought with it now starting to pass into a memory, the insecure ego having died in the fire in my soul, something new is emerging. The self-awareness that this self-realization brought with it is exponentially intensified to a previously unsurpassed level. The inner demons that rose to the surface, seemingly assaulting my very core all at once in an attempt to destroy whatever was left of me, succeeded. Yes, that's right, my false self was burned off in a inner crucible. The very revalation of who I was seemingly burned off the old self...the one that didn't have much sense of value, for self, purpose or desires.

The smoldering aftermath that is the present condition of my soul is starting to refocus its energy, not on what's been lost though. Rather what's been gained. That is the freedom to choose now, and that choice has really always been there. That choice begs the simple question of "who do I want to be?" Who I am now is a direct result of every choice I've ever made. I have the power to start making different, better choices...and that is exactly what I intend to do.

the journey of becoming who you are begins by realizing you were...

it's been 3 months since i've written anything in this friggin thing, this time i'll remember my password. so much has transpired that would have been better handled given the propper venting means, i.e. blogging. Also, feedback probably would have ensued, further assuring that events wouldn't have been so seemingly insurmountable. I digress, those moments of clarity, the life altering ramnifications of them eternally etched in my mind...worth every tick of time around the clock. It's rare that such an occurance should take place, where it seemed as though all time froze, and even the physical embodiment that is me seemed to fade out of existance; I was me, but not, and had a front row seat to review each and every moment of my brief stay here on this blue round object that's racing through the universe in a circle every 365.25 days. And now it all makes such complete and perfect sense, who i am, what i've done, the way i've lived, behaved, choices i've made...it's paradoxical. I've been me, but not really me, living my life from another's perspective, letting my reality be determined by others who don't see what I see, haven't seen what I've seen, and most definitely don't know and believe what I know and believe. Yes, fellow bloggers, that one moment, such a seemingly insignificant period, 60 short seconds, that sent shockwaves through my universe and will ripple for the remainder of my stay here.I figured out who I've been, and therefore had absolute clarity in what I've done and what I do. Not only that, that out of body experience, was simply a seperation process, the letting go of who I was...and the beginning of who I hope and can become.Before I get into where I want to go, I believe it's imperative that I outline who I've been...but I shall leave for next time.And I promise, it will be in the very near future..

What a difference a day makes...

Today was an amazing day, simply because I had a wake up call(metaphorically speaking of course) about my life's purpose. I sat in on a short lecture about living our own lives, and it was like the speaker was talking to me and only me. It did nothing but serve as a confirmation of the thoughts I've been having the last few weeks and the frequency of the thoughts over the last few days especially. It's amazing the difference having clarity of purpose makes in terms of being strong and certain about where the future is going versus having doubt, uncertainty and no vision or dream. I was born to be a healer, and every experience up til now, including the loss of that vision have only served to allow it to be regained more strongly each time. I'm so greatful for the gift that I've received, the awesomeness of it humbles me to the point where nothing I can say would do it justice.