Totally and completely powerless is how I felt...almost as if I was instantly transported back in time and changed from the person I am now, to that scared little kid. As soon as those emotions ebbed, they were immediately replaced by a rage. So hot it felt like it was going to burn a hole in the center of my chest. Rage towards her, and also to myself...how could I surrender all my strength in a split second to some one who's lack of faith in self and any one or anything is nearly total...a life's philosophy and bankrupt personal philosophy. A belief system tied not to a belief in a religious perspective, even a spiritual one for that matter, but largely, if not completely tied to income and the amount shown on a bank account statement. My self esteem, and self image are some what in limbo as I go through a belief review so to speak. It was thrown in my face that I'm in school, the very idea of taking on more debt unthinkable, God forbid pursue goals, dreams at a time when the opportunity presented itself as if on a silver platter sent from above. No surprise, in the past the encouragement offered was based on how impressive the goals pursued were in the eyes of others, and for no other reason. That hasn't changed, no matter how much I want it to, sadly, it never will. I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about that. It was said to not go back to school in the spring, F*

As confusion unfolds, it says that forward progress is finally being made...

Confusion ensues whenever long held beliefs are surrendered, even temporarily. However strong the temptation may be to return to the comforts and confines of long held beliefs, it is best to turn away from the promises of comfort for the promise of the unknown. Long held beliefs, while good, may proove to be false programming imparted by those who mean well, but are misguided and not even aware of this fact. Taken further, those who seek to impart their beliefs are doing so in attempt to avoid the fact of having to question their own beliefs validity due to the fact that it is not accepted unquestioningly any longer. The only option is to run towards the confusion and uncertainty with the hope in mind that the exploration of every belief learned from seminars, self-improvement leaders, whether it be from video, audio cd or books. The purpose is to develop my own beliefs, that work for me, and not a mish mash collection adapted to serve as a security blanket, behind which I made futile attempts at self improvement. Now though, the blanket is being let go of, and left behind...and the real growth can begin. The beliefs adopted from this moment on, will be those that have passed the test of introspection, and will be clear in the power of their truth. The clarity and certainty behind this personal philosophy will bring with it an paralelled personal confidence.

chaos reigns supreme, and in all honesty, i'm starting to like it

I used to want my ideal self to be superman-like and larger than life. This desire I believe stemmed from wanting to have an example of what being strong and confident looks like and not having one. I didn't have that, and wanted to be that kind of example for others like me that don't, or didn't have one as well. Now though, while I'm getting stronger in all that I know and learn, the real gains are coming in getting more comfortable and confident in not having a need to know everything. In fact, my therapist told me today during our session that I seem the most everyday like person compared to recent weeks. I hadn't thought of putting where I am in those terms, but it rings very true. I know what I know, and as I pay attention to decisions I once would make unknowingly out of fears of rejection, I have that moment of pause where I notice my choices and their motivating factors. It's been a rough three months since losing a job that I moved to be closer to, but when I lost that job, it opened the door for me to say yes to going back to school to study neurology, biochemistry, hopefully genetics, and maybe microbiology and other ology named subjects as I sort out myself, my life, and what ways I can best put all my experiences, both good and bad to good use for those going through anything similar, or just needing reassurance that they're okay, even if that's all they need. My strength in accepting the what is, is what will, according my counselor, and the way that thought resonated through my body physiologically, is what will help me be my ideal self...and that to me is absolutely awesome. I am so very grateful for that opportunity.

How come it seems as though the people that cross our life's path for the shortest amounts of time are the ones that more often than not leave the longest lasting and most defined imprints in the people we become?

At what point in time does it make sense to let go and stop holding on? How do you go about rejecting rejection and accept what is and move on? I've been through it all before, but this time, why does it hurt so much more? And so much more deeply? What do you do if you truely believe you found your other half, the person exactly matched for you, and then they just disappear from your life? You know people will say...let her go, she doesn't deserve you, etc. But it doesn't change, or take away that feeling of being incomplete, and somewhat empty inside. Burying yourself in school work, or other activities might help, but only so much, and for only so long. Then what? Finding some one new, is an option, but that's not even very appealing.

As the expression goes, if you love someone, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be. So, I'm doing my best to do just that. I've had my heart broken by failed relationships, setbacks and disappointments, but the level that it's going to now surpasses all of the previous times. By far. I type these words through blurred vision of an overflow of tears that hopefully will be cathartic, and hope to awake in the morning to find a new sense of purpose, to be the man I can be, must be, to find a love like that again. Who knows, maybe it'll be her, maybe some one else. One thing I do know for certain, is each heartache opens me up to greater love, heightened understanding, and deeper compassion. Not only of myself, but of and for others. It may have benefits longterm, but that still doesn't make the short term any easier.


It does beg the question, if someone isn't willing to stick around and be there for the struggles, as I try to put my life together, designing it, as it can be, not as others lead me to believe it should be, do they have the right to be able to share in the victories over those struggles? That answer will be revealed in God's timing.

A letter to my fuutre wife...

To my love,


In my life, I've been through ups and downs, and each and every one of them has brought with it a new level of self-awareness, and a greater understanding of what love is, and what it means, and find the love I have in me to share with you. To forsake all others for you, and you alone. The man I have in me, to be with you, as your equal, has begun to emerge, and I know when I am the right man, you will appear. Whether I've met you already, and I have more to shed before you return to me, or I haven't met you yet, and when I am ready, and least expect it, you will then enter my life...one thing I know without question, is that everything I am, and all I have in me, I will love you with, and will all be yours, from now until beyond eternity.

It is for me, and also for you that I continue to strive in being a better man...

All my love, for always...

M

Well, I'm two weeks into the first semester back in school, on the path that I'm supposed to be on, to study neuroscience, biochemistry, nutrition, and other subjects that will get me ready for school to be a doctor. In those first two weeks, I found myself visited by a familiar presence...the feeling of inadequacy that leads to a performance that is less than stellar, and unindicative of what my true potenial is that I know is in me. I'm going to change all of that this time though, today, I went to the student counseling center for my first visit which is the new client intake session to determine which therapist would be best for me to work with. I met with my new counselor, and my first appointment is set for next friday at noon. As I left the school today, I felt a sense of empowerment, that change was not only inevitable, but I am the conductor of such change. I am in a position to become the conductor of my life. I am writing the opus of my life. I can't undo past failures, and hopefully I'll be able to recapture the feelings of confidence from my past successes. It is in those feelings that the subconscious programming of being an underachiever will fully be eradicated and exorcised for once and for all.

I am doing this for two seperate but not exclusive reasons. One, I'm doing this for myself, and the future vision that has been given to me, in which I'm here to be a healer, an educator to those who wish to have the life that they dream of having, but are not sure what to do in order to have that life. I wish to learn, and master the healing arts, so when people come to me looking for the answers for their questions, solutions of their puzzles (not problems, by changing problems to puzzles, solutions are more readily found). I do it to bring clarity and certainty, into the lives of any and all I encounter. I've known people of such a presence, just by being around them, I couldn't help but feel more inspired, optimistic, energized, ALIVE. It is that presense I wish to bring to others, as others have for me, to pass it on and pay it forward.

The second is in a seperate post, the reason for that is it will be in the form of a letter to my future wife, whomever she is, where ever she is.