Ready for a change...

All defenses have been stripped away...lost, forgotten and deeply buried and repressed memories race to the surface. Bits and pieces mostly, but enough to churn stomachs. So much hurt, and shame felt with these pictures. A silent nightmare, long repressed, buried and hidden. Heartache that burns with a white hot intensity that seared holes into the very core of my soul. Holes that were filled in for protection, out of fear, inadequacy, rejection are there masked by behavior patterns that are self-sabotaging in nature, from feeling unworthy of having success.. Seeking to fill a role, to have an identity that is accepted. Now that role is not acceptable...reshaping of the self is met by resistance, and disbelief. Believing myself inferior and inadequate. Built on insecurities and reinforced by self-sabotaging behaviors that were adopted to play a role, and hopefully, gain acceptance. Wanting to do better, believing I can do better, bolstered by doing what has to be done to show that belief and deliver the results to demonstrate its truth, has to begin now. This is when it counts. It will not be easy, but it's got to better than feeling like and living like this!!

A big can of worms opened with a single question...

How do you deal with a memory that is so traumatic it'll alter your very existence? One that can explain any and all anxieties, fears and insecurities? What's even more difficult is determining whether or not that memory is even real or false? Certain details of it, as well as other events similar are forever burned into memory to the point that there's no avoiding them. What do you do?

There's a freedom in accepting total responsibility for one's life...letting go of past hurts, forgiving those that said or did something that was wrong doesn't make it okay, but releases the negativity. The freedom allows us to move on with our lives free of bad karma.

Totally and completely powerless is how I felt...almost as if I was instantly transported back in time and changed from the person I am now, to that scared little kid. As soon as those emotions ebbed, they were immediately replaced by a rage. So hot it felt like it was going to burn a hole in the center of my chest. Rage towards her, and also to myself...how could I surrender all my strength in a split second to some one who's lack of faith in self and any one or anything is nearly total...a life's philosophy and bankrupt personal philosophy. A belief system tied not to a belief in a religious perspective, even a spiritual one for that matter, but largely, if not completely tied to income and the amount shown on a bank account statement. My self esteem, and self image are some what in limbo as I go through a belief review so to speak. It was thrown in my face that I'm in school, the very idea of taking on more debt unthinkable, God forbid pursue goals, dreams at a time when the opportunity presented itself as if on a silver platter sent from above. No surprise, in the past the encouragement offered was based on how impressive the goals pursued were in the eyes of others, and for no other reason. That hasn't changed, no matter how much I want it to, sadly, it never will. I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about that. It was said to not go back to school in the spring, F*

As confusion unfolds, it says that forward progress is finally being made...

Confusion ensues whenever long held beliefs are surrendered, even temporarily. However strong the temptation may be to return to the comforts and confines of long held beliefs, it is best to turn away from the promises of comfort for the promise of the unknown. Long held beliefs, while good, may proove to be false programming imparted by those who mean well, but are misguided and not even aware of this fact. Taken further, those who seek to impart their beliefs are doing so in attempt to avoid the fact of having to question their own beliefs validity due to the fact that it is not accepted unquestioningly any longer. The only option is to run towards the confusion and uncertainty with the hope in mind that the exploration of every belief learned from seminars, self-improvement leaders, whether it be from video, audio cd or books. The purpose is to develop my own beliefs, that work for me, and not a mish mash collection adapted to serve as a security blanket, behind which I made futile attempts at self improvement. Now though, the blanket is being let go of, and left behind...and the real growth can begin. The beliefs adopted from this moment on, will be those that have passed the test of introspection, and will be clear in the power of their truth. The clarity and certainty behind this personal philosophy will bring with it an paralelled personal confidence.

chaos reigns supreme, and in all honesty, i'm starting to like it

I used to want my ideal self to be superman-like and larger than life. This desire I believe stemmed from wanting to have an example of what being strong and confident looks like and not having one. I didn't have that, and wanted to be that kind of example for others like me that don't, or didn't have one as well. Now though, while I'm getting stronger in all that I know and learn, the real gains are coming in getting more comfortable and confident in not having a need to know everything. In fact, my therapist told me today during our session that I seem the most everyday like person compared to recent weeks. I hadn't thought of putting where I am in those terms, but it rings very true. I know what I know, and as I pay attention to decisions I once would make unknowingly out of fears of rejection, I have that moment of pause where I notice my choices and their motivating factors. It's been a rough three months since losing a job that I moved to be closer to, but when I lost that job, it opened the door for me to say yes to going back to school to study neurology, biochemistry, hopefully genetics, and maybe microbiology and other ology named subjects as I sort out myself, my life, and what ways I can best put all my experiences, both good and bad to good use for those going through anything similar, or just needing reassurance that they're okay, even if that's all they need. My strength in accepting the what is, is what will, according my counselor, and the way that thought resonated through my body physiologically, is what will help me be my ideal self...and that to me is absolutely awesome. I am so very grateful for that opportunity.

How come it seems as though the people that cross our life's path for the shortest amounts of time are the ones that more often than not leave the longest lasting and most defined imprints in the people we become?