days like today

It doesn't happen often anymore. But on days like today, for short time frames, no more than a few hours, the weight of the past feels almost as if it'll crush me. I think about how my life was, and compare it to what my present life consists of. I've heard that there is a reason for everything, and it's up to us to find it. I still find myself asking the questions that start with the two small, but huge words, "what if....?" Having the confidence that I do now, and seeing myself as more than capable, but also self-empowered enough to say "you don't think I can, you don't even want me to try, well then stay out of my way, because there's no way your limited thinking is going to stop me. Your opinion is irrelevant and will not become my reality." It's finally thinking, believing, and also feeling, strong enough to say that, it makes me wonder, how different would my life be now? I can't change what's already happened. Some of it I would change, some of it I wouldn't. All I can do now is create a new history by making different, better choices now, so in the future, rather than have a history of setback, heartache and dreams delayed, I have dreams achieved, and peace of mind...and can be completely free from a past that at times comes back as an increasingly crushing weight.

I want, almost more than anything for your encouragement. Yet, when you give it to me, because of everything else you've said and done, I don't believe you really mean what you say...I'd rather you not say anything at all.

take a chance

A wise man once said
Do not wait til your almost dead
Chase a dream, do it now
You've nothing to lose, anyhow
There may be some pain,
But in every life, there is a little rain
When it comes to making a choice
Always heed your inner voice
At an opportune moment, take that chance
It's not here out of happenstance
Rather than following simple math
Its better to blaze your own path
Go ahead, and at least try
You never know how high you'll fly!
No matter what, do not fret
It's not something you'll regret.
Some may say it's full of strife
But who wants an ordinary life?
Chase a dream, do it now
You've nothing to lose, anyhow

Ready for a change...

All defenses have been stripped away...lost, forgotten and deeply buried and repressed memories race to the surface. Bits and pieces mostly, but enough to churn stomachs. So much hurt, and shame felt with these pictures. A silent nightmare, long repressed, buried and hidden. Heartache that burns with a white hot intensity that seared holes into the very core of my soul. Holes that were filled in for protection, out of fear, inadequacy, rejection are there masked by behavior patterns that are self-sabotaging in nature, from feeling unworthy of having success.. Seeking to fill a role, to have an identity that is accepted. Now that role is not acceptable...reshaping of the self is met by resistance, and disbelief. Believing myself inferior and inadequate. Built on insecurities and reinforced by self-sabotaging behaviors that were adopted to play a role, and hopefully, gain acceptance. Wanting to do better, believing I can do better, bolstered by doing what has to be done to show that belief and deliver the results to demonstrate its truth, has to begin now. This is when it counts. It will not be easy, but it's got to better than feeling like and living like this!!

A big can of worms opened with a single question...

How do you deal with a memory that is so traumatic it'll alter your very existence? One that can explain any and all anxieties, fears and insecurities? What's even more difficult is determining whether or not that memory is even real or false? Certain details of it, as well as other events similar are forever burned into memory to the point that there's no avoiding them. What do you do?

There's a freedom in accepting total responsibility for one's life...letting go of past hurts, forgiving those that said or did something that was wrong doesn't make it okay, but releases the negativity. The freedom allows us to move on with our lives free of bad karma.

Totally and completely powerless is how I felt...almost as if I was instantly transported back in time and changed from the person I am now, to that scared little kid. As soon as those emotions ebbed, they were immediately replaced by a rage. So hot it felt like it was going to burn a hole in the center of my chest. Rage towards her, and also to myself...how could I surrender all my strength in a split second to some one who's lack of faith in self and any one or anything is nearly total...a life's philosophy and bankrupt personal philosophy. A belief system tied not to a belief in a religious perspective, even a spiritual one for that matter, but largely, if not completely tied to income and the amount shown on a bank account statement. My self esteem, and self image are some what in limbo as I go through a belief review so to speak. It was thrown in my face that I'm in school, the very idea of taking on more debt unthinkable, God forbid pursue goals, dreams at a time when the opportunity presented itself as if on a silver platter sent from above. No surprise, in the past the encouragement offered was based on how impressive the goals pursued were in the eyes of others, and for no other reason. That hasn't changed, no matter how much I want it to, sadly, it never will. I've reached the point where I don't give a damn about that. It was said to not go back to school in the spring, F*