a deeper level of soul searching reveals issues never known and finally being released to heal...

It's been about a month since my last entry, and what a month it has been. Revelations of my soul that were so very deeply hidden they were unknown...yet now uncovered, explain a great deal of my inner insecurities and fears. I can't really recall all the specific details, however, one event of my early childhood involved my mom being so mad at me that when she left to do some errands, she didn't say bye to me...and it was then that my inner fear of being abandoned began. In the recent weeks, I've had other memories come to mind that right now are escaping me, I think this is a good thing...each time I have this sort of event happen, it seems to accelerate me forward in development as a person and also furtherly accelerate the integration of both who I am, and who I know I have the potential to be as I move further along this winding road called life.

who i was and finally being able to let go of it

The most intense introspection of my life, digging up the bs, and really getting into the fabric of my life to date held with it more startling discoveries that had more power than could possibly have been previously predicted. The open ended question of "who have i been?" held in it the power to dig deeper into my core, the fabric of my sole than perhaps any other...if truthfully answered. That alone is the biggest factor in ever hoping to attain any indication of what the answer to that question really is.

Finally, over a very brief and gut wrenching period of a couple of days the answers, and there are a few came barging up and into my consciousness.

The way I've lived my life, almost every part of it has been a lie. A false self-image that was largely instilled by others, all with my blessing and willingness to believe every bit of it as absolute truth. A self-image that is one of very little value and very short on potential. That little of a self-image led to very poor choices and actions that ultimately were leading down a dark path to self destruction. So many opportunities have presented themselves, once-in-a-life-time kind of opportunities that very few people seldom ever get. How would a person that doesn't believe in themselves, has poor self image, is living from a position of weakness, uncertainty, an unclear vision, and lack of purpose handle any of these golden opportunities? If you said not very well, you'd be grossly understating the results.

With that kind of subconscious belief system for day to day living and functioning? The conclussion is set to be glorious disaster after glorious disaster. Poor performance, self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors were the norm. Highly addictive tendency to compulsively spend on a variety of misc. items. The arguement could be made that the books will be read, repeatedly, the clothes will be worn and shoes will have many miles on their soles. So many times I knew what my heart was screaming from in my chest was the right to be doing, the proper choices to be made, but I didn't listen to it...solely because I didn't believe I was worthwhile and deserving enough to have the opportunitties. The missed opportunities lead to self-loathing, a justification for the poor self-image, a false sense of idenity leading to an almost non-existant level of self-confidence...thus setting the stage for year after year of unfullfilled potential, opportunities squandered, if the willingness to even persue the goal was there.

Living life from a position of fear, lack of vision and faith, a poor self-image creating self-destruction, dragging self-confidence down to a level of near non-existance...the cycle of it seemed to be never ending. All being perpetuated by a false image, one that had been bought into due to the external reinforcing agents and experiences. A life experience lived by others and then passed on, and the pain that that lack of encouragement caused, instead of being refuted by massive motivation and an attitude of "$*@& that, I'm living my life and there isn't any person on this earth that will stop me from fulfilling my destiny!!" The beliefs and opinions of others became my own reality.

The several days with this realization were gut wrenching, a living hell...the realization of lost chances.

Yet with those vivid images, the turbulant emotional upheaval, and physical symptoms it brought with it now starting to pass into a memory, the insecure ego having died in the fire in my soul, something new is emerging. The self-awareness that this self-realization brought with it is exponentially intensified to a previously unsurpassed level. The inner demons that rose to the surface, seemingly assaulting my very core all at once in an attempt to destroy whatever was left of me, succeeded. Yes, that's right, my false self was burned off in a inner crucible. The very revalation of who I was seemingly burned off the old self...the one that didn't have much sense of value, for self, purpose or desires.

The smoldering aftermath that is the present condition of my soul is starting to refocus its energy, not on what's been lost though. Rather what's been gained. That is the freedom to choose now, and that choice has really always been there. That choice begs the simple question of "who do I want to be?" Who I am now is a direct result of every choice I've ever made. I have the power to start making different, better choices...and that is exactly what I intend to do.

the journey of becoming who you are begins by realizing you were...

it's been 3 months since i've written anything in this friggin thing, this time i'll remember my password. so much has transpired that would have been better handled given the propper venting means, i.e. blogging. Also, feedback probably would have ensued, further assuring that events wouldn't have been so seemingly insurmountable. I digress, those moments of clarity, the life altering ramnifications of them eternally etched in my mind...worth every tick of time around the clock. It's rare that such an occurance should take place, where it seemed as though all time froze, and even the physical embodiment that is me seemed to fade out of existance; I was me, but not, and had a front row seat to review each and every moment of my brief stay here on this blue round object that's racing through the universe in a circle every 365.25 days. And now it all makes such complete and perfect sense, who i am, what i've done, the way i've lived, behaved, choices i've made...it's paradoxical. I've been me, but not really me, living my life from another's perspective, letting my reality be determined by others who don't see what I see, haven't seen what I've seen, and most definitely don't know and believe what I know and believe. Yes, fellow bloggers, that one moment, such a seemingly insignificant period, 60 short seconds, that sent shockwaves through my universe and will ripple for the remainder of my stay here.I figured out who I've been, and therefore had absolute clarity in what I've done and what I do. Not only that, that out of body experience, was simply a seperation process, the letting go of who I was...and the beginning of who I hope and can become.Before I get into where I want to go, I believe it's imperative that I outline who I've been...but I shall leave for next time.And I promise, it will be in the very near future..

What a difference a day makes...

Today was an amazing day, simply because I had a wake up call(metaphorically speaking of course) about my life's purpose. I sat in on a short lecture about living our own lives, and it was like the speaker was talking to me and only me. It did nothing but serve as a confirmation of the thoughts I've been having the last few weeks and the frequency of the thoughts over the last few days especially. It's amazing the difference having clarity of purpose makes in terms of being strong and certain about where the future is going versus having doubt, uncertainty and no vision or dream. I was born to be a healer, and every experience up til now, including the loss of that vision have only served to allow it to be regained more strongly each time. I'm so greatful for the gift that I've received, the awesomeness of it humbles me to the point where nothing I can say would do it justice.

Oh yeah....

I didn't make time to get on here last night, or the day before that to do any blogging. Mostly because I hadn't done what I said I was going to do. I'm not going to be going into all the psycho-bable bs of how much I'm going to grow, and change during this process, NO!! I won't delude myself before any specific results are revealed, can be observed or measured. The way I feel about myself is a very subjective thing as far as how much I'm evolving and improving, shedding all the crap, self-imposed inadequecies and limitations, and can be somewhat distorted. However, my place is a little cleaner, smells a bit better, and it's only day 5. What the next 95 days have in store are up to me, and the only way for me to get the results I know I can achieve is to f*cking do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, regardless of whether I want to or not, no excuses, no rationalizing not doing it. Period. Any one can have an average life, not many have an exceptional one, the one that is dreamt of, though it's doable. I'm going to live to my potential, and rise above the status quo, despite the expectations of society, real or imagined, conscious or unconscious, the opinions of others do not have to become our reality. Prioritizing, planning and then the discipline to follow through on that plan, and keep moving towards the outrageous goals, one step at a time, making stepping stones out of stumbling blocks is the path of and to greatness. It's easier to keep going if you never stop, and the key to being unstopable is not stopping. Yeah, living an extraordinary life is something that can be attained, but only by recognizing that, while simple it may be, is not easy. Nor is it do-able alone, as long as the right supportive people are kept close by, the nay sayers, ne'er do-wells, also rans, who bask in their past achievements are best left where they spend their days, in the past. This life is too short to have a lot to look back on having left undone. I have a purpose, a destiny, and I'm going to fullfill it.

Day 2 of my 100 day season co-creating

Well, after making the choice to do the 100 day season of cocreating my life, I've managed to do a couple loads of laundry. I also picked up a couple of bags of small items for garbage(gross I know, one of the many things I intend on creating is a clean apartment, so I can have visitors over at anytime) like empty egg cartons, kleenex boxes, etc before going to watch the super bowl...a fantastic game. I thought the Cardinals were robbed though, they deserved to win. Steelers got some really lucky breaks, and bizarre calls in their favor, but such is life.

With a couple of loads of laundry done, the dishwasher will be run, I believe I'll be starting the week on the right foot for a change. Yes, this cocreation and blog will be invaluable in helping me form the habbits that I've wanted to for a very long time, but never held myself accountable to doing. I'm off to fold the laundry that awaits me, finish off some dishes, take out the trash and be in bed at a reasonable hour.

This could be interesting....

I visit YouTube daily and never get tired, or bored with any of the videos posted on the site. I can spend hours on end easily on it if I'm not watchful of the time. One poster I look at regularly is always inspiring and encouraging, but not preachy or anything like that. I finally clicked on the name to see their main page, to get a feel for the person behind the videos. I was blown away by what I found, a person who makes videos to encourage and empower any and all those that visit and watch her videos to make their lives extraordinary. Her YouTube channel is http://www.youtube.com/liloumace. From there, she has a home page that helps people to channel the Law of Attraction to transform their own lives to what they dream it can, and really, should be, that site is http://www.cocreatingourreality.com/. I found that she offers a 100 day challenge to co-creating our own lives. I signed up for it, figuring, what the heck, I haven't got anything to lose. I'm always seeking out ways to improve myself, and connect with the right kind of people, what a better way to actually do it than this, I can do it and not only keep track of it, but also be in a position to receive feedback, and encouragement, not only for myself, but be a source for others who may be going through the samethings I am.

I'm excited about this and know that what the outcome is, where it will leads, is partly up tome to create and bring about. As a Christian I have certain beliefs about what is in the Bible, but I also believe that the Law of Attraction is a very real thing and true as well. While I'm not the most scholarly person when it comes to being able to quote scripture, chapter and verse(I do have some favorites), I have studied it enough to know that there are very similar messages in the philosophies taught with both the Bible and also in the Law of Attraction.

In the next 100 days, I should probably talk a little about what I what to achieve, accomplish, and manifest. I want to get a job where I can truely use my talents, and training as a massage therapist to better the lives of my clients and the people I work with and for. I want to build relationships with the right kinds of people. Those individuals are the ones who are positive, see the potential for greatness in themselves, and acknowledge it with grace and humility. By doing this, they also encourage me to reach for my potential, encourage me to have my own extraordinary life. but also allow me to do the same for them in return...so it can be a perpetual upward cycle as we continually seek to learn and grow in this life and not stay down too long for the occassional instances when we stumble. And also, while I'm doing this, I'd also like to earn a high enough income that I'm able to pay all of my bills monthly and have enough left over to set up a decent wealth building plan(i'd rather call it that, because, with law of attraction in mind, focusing on abundance in life).